I stopped writing here for a while. Hid this personal blog away behind my media site so no one could find it. Went into hiding. Blamed it on my bankruptcy. Told myself I couldn’t write about what was really happening as it was happening because … well, there were a million reasons. All lies. To keep me safe.
But, I’m not here to live a life of safe.
I’m here to share it all, as it’s happening. I have a lot of things I can do well in the world, but I’m beginning to get the sense that my one true gift that I can do better than just about anyone is my willingness to be truly, totally, sometimes brutally, transparent.
So, I’ll tell you. I’ve been depressed, scared, freaking the fuck out.
My financial situation is the worst it’s ever been. Maybe even worse than in law school because at least then I only had me to take care of. Now there is so much more. Kids, payrolls, ex-husbands.
All of this was “easy” to handle when I was making millions in my businesses, but it simply wasn’t sustainable the way I was doing it. And the truth is, it wasn’t so easy to handle even when I was making millions either. I was scared then too. Scared to death of losing it. So scared that I became trapped by it.
So scared that I knew the only choice was to let go of it all and see what was on the other side of that fear. God, am I glad I did!
And I have.
So now it’s time to rebuild on a new foundation. I’m in it. Rebuilding. A fresh start. A clear purpose and mission.
It gets hardest when I forget that I made these choices consciously. There have been moments over the past few months when I have felt quite the victim. When I have forgotten that I am a scientist investigating sustainable living in the new economy, I start to freak out that I am hopeless, helpless, and slip into taking on the belief that I am bad, part of the 47% that Romney says are not worthy of his attention.
But then I wake up and I remember. I don’t want to be the 53%. Not when it looks like this.
I am not here to live a life of mediocrity, a cog in a machine designed to serve the few, working my ass off in an unpurposeful, misaligned job to make enough money to pay my mortgage so I can send my kids to college, retire and die.
This life will not go unlived. I will leverage all of the resources available to me (even government handouts when that’s necessary) so I can live my life purpose, have deep, meaningful, connected relationships with those around me, and allow my children to see what really matters.
I gave up my Mercedes, my 5300 square foot house in a cul-de-sac community where I spent most of my time in my 150 sq foot office, isolated and working, and my million dollar businesses so I could discover what I really want, beyond all conditioning. As Craig always says, “don’t die wondering.” So, I’m not.
Today, I live in a 3 bedroom condo with two roommates, my kids, and my partner (when he’s in town). While I would love for us to have a bigger house, no downstairs neighbors, and some land to grow food, this is a great way-station and definite confirmation that living, working and loving in community is what’s necessary for our future. I love it here.
Yep, my bankruptcy is a government handout of sorts; my own personal bailout that I guess puts me in the 47%, and in my moments of awake, I’m okay with that because, from this place, I have the total freedom to choose what I do with my life.
I have true community, a transformational, evolutionary partnership with a man I feel so lucky to know, relationship with my children, the space to drop the conditioning that has kept me locked into false beliefs and I am slowly, but surely finding the time to write and being willing to write whatever I want.
When I get caught up in what I don’t currently have or what I gave up (fame, fortune, fancy car, big house, travel to exotic countries), I have to remind myself why I did it, that it’s likely temporary and what really matters.
Sometimes, this much freedom is scary. (At some point, I’ll have to tell you about the medicine journey I had in Peru where I decided I could not handle so much freedom.) But, fuckin’ -A, my friends, it’s worth it.
What say you? Don’t leave me hanging. I write this blog because I want to interact with you. So I want to hear it. Even if you disagree with me and think I’m crazy. Bring it. Oh, and tell a friend. xoxo
27 Comments
Ali:I appreciate your words and thank you for your bravery and transparency. You know it would seem that regardless of how we choose to live our lives, safety is an illusion. I know the 9 to 5 job with benefits, the cog in the wheel as you say, appears to be safe but it isn’t. I get it. I agree I too want a full life, filled with adventure, love and excitement. Reality is sometimes that means I get a world of hurt an pain alongside it. In the end though, life is both of these things and there is beauty in that. I am certain you experience, strength and hope will reverberate among many of us. Keep sharing. I believe it is THIS exact voice that needs to be heard, not just the love and light fluff.(Hugs)Sarah
“I’m not here to live a life of safe”
“A transformational partnership”
fuck yes. 🙂
beautiful post.
So here I am again. I can tell you I have been following you since plugging into the Social Entrepreneur Enpowerment Series a couple years back. You have always resonated with me – but now more than ever. You are saying out loud, those “nagging thoughts”-otherwise known as inner wisdom 😉 After my own BK in 2008, barely hanging onto my house (or should I say: my bank’s asset) for the last 4 years, and using 50% of an already small retirement just to survive, it has become abundantly clear that this is not fun nor is it freedom. I am so tired of giving money so much power. I too feel drawn to a sustainable life which includes not only me and my family, but the planet. I have made huge leaps into the unknown a few times in my life and I always end up flying. I am feeling another leap coming on. Keep going I need the encouragement! <3
Way to go Ali! I think the energy of BIG LAUNCHES OF AUTHENTICITY is in the air today as I did my big launch for my Coming into Complete Clarity Call (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xt4GnPcSbPw) I think I am still hyperventilating…feeling naked, vulnerabel, totally open and totally out there.
We are with you! Those of us who are willing to be naked, we are with you and we are standing strong. This old paradigm way masking the truth of who we really are, of covering our faces to hide our truth, of covering our bodies in shame is OVER. And here we are nakedly authentic. You are an amazing woman and we are the new paradigm, we are the change. Love to you!
Ali, I deeply respect your honesty. I want to thank you for sharing how hard it was to deal with your fortune when you had it because you were so afraid to loose it. I think we need more people with the guts to tell the truth. I am not saying that we can’t have all this abundance and a fulfilled life but I am wondering if the business models that we are surrounded with are leading us in the right direction.
I personnaly made the conscious choice to not follow the path of all the ” Million dollars blueprint” programs lead by gurus so I could become one of them myself and teach my clients my system to help them become one too so they can teach their clients to become one …..
Sometimes I wonder If I made the right decision as I can say that some of what the gurus are teaching makes completely sense and is very empowering. I would also love to offer 50K VIP coaching package and have a multimillion dollars business. But I am not willing to grow a business that is not aligned with who I am and what I believe can be a real contribution to the world. I would love to have your opinion on that.
I freakin love you. You are so powerful and influential when you express your authenticity boldly. An inspiration to us all. Someone we can truly relate to inside of the sometimes agonizing real world and internal challenges of following our yes and insisting on a meaningful life. So much more helpful than yet another BS laden post about someone’s perfect life that we can have to if only we do their program. You are the real deal and I love you for it. xo – E
My only motto in life is this – “It’s better to have tried and failed, then not to have tried at all.” I don’t EVER want to look back and regret NOT making a move or NOT taking action. So, do you, Alexis. As Abraham Lincoln said “Whatever you are, be a good one.”
I remember when I met you once, 3 years ago. I remember your energy and seeing how stressed out you are… but I thought you would not be willing to receive any support from me, because I was not in that circle or you millionaires.
So glad to know that you are actually real, vulnerable woman… with a Hawaiian flower in your hair.
Love and Aloha to you my dear
It makes me happy that you are doing what you want. I love to see people doing what they want to do, writing what they want to write, for no other reason but because they feel called to do it. Live! Write! Breathe! Enjoy this fabulous planet and your time on it!
I just came across this and so glad I did. My bankruptcy and losing all my fake money was the best thing that ever happened to me too. I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything. It lead me to my happiness…real true happiness which is yes scary but yes worth it! Thank you!
I am with you sister. These are the conditions in which we grow TRUST like nobody’s business. Here is one of my favorite quotes by Mooji, from my blog The fear is always greater than the actuality. The fear comes
because of lack of trust. You feel you can take better care of yourself
than God can. You fear what God may have planned for you may not be what
you want. This is probably true because the dreams we have are confined
to what we know of life and ourselves, which is infinitesimal to the
vastness that is. When we let go of what we think will make us happy, we
allow Grace to breathe, and great and beautiful things not even
imagined of are given space to happen.” (http://turnonyourlight.com/2011/11/have-you-met-your-inner-street-beggar/)
Your soul chose this Alexis, because you are an awesome trailblazer and visionary. Thank you thank you!
Kathleen Hanagan (www.TurnOnYourLight.com)
I say – put failure in its place, then move on. I
like to put my mistakes behind me and never think about them again. And by
doing this its forces me to accept things as they are and deal with them accordingly.
I’m quick to learn from my failures. This may or may not be idealistic, but I’m
seldom unrealistic. I always know the status of a given situation at all times.
I love the idea of losing your “fake money” — I have often thought of it that way as well. It was so easy to spend it when I didn’t have a real connection to it the way I do now.
Yay! You’re back, with your raw, real, unabashed truth-telling! I’ve missed your powerful voice these last months and feel relieved to know that you’re done hiding your message under a blanket of safety. Far from being crazy (except in the best of ways), you are a model of what real sanity can look like in a crazy, fucked-up world. If your biggest gift is to be truly, totally, and sometimes brutally transparent, muffling you message will surely make you crazy. Love you, Ali!
Amazing post Ali! Loved all the honesty behind it. I was too afraid of losing it all and then it happened and for a good reason, I live a very basic life, still trying to define and structure my real mission on earth, which I am now certain what it is: To teach people how to live with less, with more love to our brothers and sisters and the planet. It changed my life and I believe it can change many others in my beautiful country Colombia! From here, I send you mucho amor and blessings! and remember everything will be alright!!
Amazing post Ali! Loved all the honesty behind it. I was too afraid of losing it all and then it happened and for a good reason, I live a very basic life, still trying to define and structure my real mission on earth, which I am now certain what it is: To teach people how to live with less, with more love to our brothers and sisters and the planet. It changed my life and I believe it can change many others in my beautiful country Colombia! From here, I send you mucho amor and blessings! and remember everything will be alright!!
Love you!
i don’t like the ending.
u should write three or
four paragraphs more b4 kill it .. 🙂
but i do like ur spirit to
let them go and find the true meaning of
ur existence – hope u found it already
:p
Welcome back! It’s good to see you come out of hiding. Thoreau’s line seems appropriate “I went into the woods because I wished to live deliberately … and not when I came to die discover that I had not lived.” Here is to living deliberately! Although can I also admit I’ll miss your stories about life on the farm?
Glad you’re back, Lex. Missed you. xoxo
You’re such a baddassss, Alexis. : )
You’re such a baddassss, Alexis. : )
you are freaking awesome! you just said what half of us think but dont have the balls to say out loud! We are too scared to speak our true feelings or whats really going on! well said my friend well said, keep inspiring!
Beautiful and bold. I love it, and I love you. Thank you for saying what’s true. Gives courage to the rest of us to be real too. It’s so easy to hide. Feels like a breath of fresh air just reading this. xxoo
Hi Ali. Its very moving to read your stuff when you are being real. I’m moved to respond.I feel a lot of love for you even though we’ve only talked on the phone. I totally have a crush on you. I’ve been wondering how to respond. This poem came to mind. Its part of an invitation to a meditation group that meets at my house every Tuesday at 7 PM. You are invited. There’s a $15.00 donation. For me its not about the money, its about sharing the field with people. Especially people who are…
you know what? I did some inquiry into how I feel about you. Your story .is compelling. It reminded me of growing up with my mom and three younger sibs.
I first felt a lot of love for you then a lot of sadness then a lot of hate towards God, for ignoring our prayers and letting her die (she had MS)…then I felt hate towards anyone that has anything good going on, then I hated my mom for being so weak and sick and hapless and helpless. I let the hate bleed out through my eyes and noticed this blazing love in my heart for myself while I was feeling all this hate. Now Im hanging with this experience of love for myself and hate for God and an indifferent universe. I notice that the hater is a young one and Im totally OK with letting that happen. So thanks for being you. You are really in a lot better shape than she was, by the way.
It’s easy to find the Beloved in a hawks wing in a cobalt sky.
Anyone can find Truth in the colors of the blazing aspens amid the evergreens..
The catspaws on the lake. like diamonds in the setting sun are low hanging fruit for the seeker
of Essence.
The more rewarding finds are the tougher nuts to crack: Your mundane experience of this moment, right now,
wherever you find yourself, whatever the mood. Maybe your heart is breaking and you cant even feel it.
Maybe you’re afraid and looking good. Maybe you are ashamed since you were three. Unwrap these gifts and you really
have something of value, something you can take with you, something that will feed you when times are lean.
Alexis, why do you put a trademark sign,(thus putting a proprietary shingle) on so many of the commonest of phrases that you use? “truth-telling lawyer”, “evolutionary stragegist”, “family lawyer”? Are you telling everyone “I got here first” and “this is mine”? Welcome to patriarchal capitalism, Alexis. A great resource that you may want to explore on the authentic new economy is Janelle Orsi’s book “Practicing Law in the Sharing Economy”, who is actually doing something concrete and innovative to revolutionize the way people practice law and conduct their business relationships. This very young woman doesn’t tout herself as being some great “evolutionary” figure, she just IS. Watch her and study her brilliant way of envisioning the new future and you may just become inspired, instead of just looking for opportunies to monetize everything. Observe her humility and gravitas as a human being. I am an elder with tremendous experience and successes under my belt, and do not hesitate for a moment to take off my hat to her formidable achievements and emotional eloquence at such a young age.
Forgive me if I’m wrong, and I have observed you closely over several years, but it seems to me that your business paradigm is on the conventional side in most respects and has very little to do with new cooperative ways of structuring legal and business relationships for people who have a calling beyond the materialism of the dominant culture. One only has to look at the roster of your marketing teachers to reach this conclusion. You established a national franchise with your Family Lawyers network, etc. and made millions. You conducted the requisite media blitzes. Congratulations. But it is not the New World that you are involved in in your public persona; it is conventional marketing of the most aggressive type applied to the law profession and consulting business. That is most certainly an achievement, but all the manipulation involved in your approach is far from anything deeply human or progressive, by any stretch of the imagination. It is something more akin to becoming “empowered” by adopting the common capitalistic model of “getting ahead” in the world, competitively and aggressively.
In my view, I think you need to allow yourself the time to deepen as a person, instead of turning every little insight into some marketable ware, and putting yourself out as an expert in waters that you have barely begun to learn to wade in. The community of people who have invested deeply in a new “visionary” paradigm of profound human values of caring and collaboration, with the thoughtful commitment over time that this deserves, cannot but feel offended by your grandstanding.
Just finding this comment a year later and I want to thank you for writing it. Some corrections: I didn’t establish a national franchise. I do train and license lawyers to use the systems I created in my own practice. Perhaps that’s no different in the content in which you are speaking, but there is a legal difference.
I’m curious about the manipulation you speak of — show it to me so I can ferret it out and dispose of it once and for all. I want that.
And, yes, at the time of your comment I was in the early exploration stages of what it meant to build a new paradigm business. I was rebuilding my systems and structures to accommodate my learnings and while I am still very much in the learning stages, I have learned quite a lot and am implementing it.
Today, the Eyes Wide Open business that was all about me and mine has shifted into a Collective. And the lawyer business is shifting in this way as well.
I love Janelle Orsi’s work and hope to share this more with my audience of lawyers in the future. And I too tip my hat and offer a deep bow of gratitude to her and her work.
I understand my grandstanding may seem offensive to you and I can both understand it and appreciate your perspective and keep being me. The beauty in this is that I will reach people you won’t and Janelle won’t because perhaps you are more understated in your ways. I’m okay with that. In the past I would have felt shame; today I feel proud of who I am and how I show up in the world, even if not everyone agrees with or appreciates it.
What I can promise you is my intentions are pure and I see myself as a bridge between the old ways and the new. To be that bridge, I had to immerse myself in those old ways, know them deeply and transcend them and I’m still in process and sharing my experience, as much as I can, every step of the way. Thanks again for your thoughtful comment.