11 years ago today, I was getting ready to walk down the aisle with my now ex-husband.
Yes, we had a Valentine’s Day wedding. (Note for anyone considering it: flowers are really expensive when you get married on V-Day!)
Since our wedding day, we’ve had two kids and been through a VERY rough divorce.
Today, we are once again living together in the same house and co-parenting our kids. This time as great friends. Maybe better friends than we ever were when we were dating or married.
I think it’s fair to say I love my ex more today than ever before. Family love. Like the kind I feel for my kids and my sister. The kind of love that makes me want to do nice things for him, make his life easier, and take care of him.
Whenever I mention to folks that my ex and I are living together again, I get a lot of questions. So in honor of Valentine’s Day, this post will provide some answers about how you too can love (and even live with) your ex again.
1. Forgive radically.
Forgive the unforgivable. And I do mean all of it. If you heard some of the things I’ve forgiven, you’d say “no way, Alexis, I could never forgive that.”
Yes, you can.
And when you do, you’ll uncork a boundless amount of love within yourself and also for yourself.
When you withhold your forgiveness, you are not hurting your ex. You are hurting yourself. And your kids.
If you don’t know how to begin the process of forgiveness, be willing to see where you were 100% responsibility for your part of whatever you are pinning on your ex. Then, forgive yourself for that.
If all else fails repeat this mantra silently to yourself until you feel forgiveness at your core:
“I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.”
2. Accept completely.
Accept everything about your ex. All of it. Especially those things you simply could not accept when you were in relationship together.
Now that you are not together, they don’t affect you. So, accept everything you couldn’t accept when you were together. Your ex is not going to change.
You do know that by now, right?
If you say to yourself “well, those things do affect me because they affect my kids,” drop that.
Your kids came through the two of you because that is their path. You chose to have children with this person. Forgive yourself for that and accept that your only role now is to help your kids learn how to grow through their relationship with your ex and accept even those parts of themselves that are just like your ex.
Whatever you do, never, never, never bad mouth your ex in front of your kids. Ever. When you fully accept your ex, you are showing your children they can love all parts of themselves. When you badmouth your ex, you are implanting a message into your kids that there is something wrong with them. Exactly what you don’t want to do.
Accept what is.
3. Take nothing personally.
It’s quite possible that you are more emotionally developed than your ex. If that is the case, see all of your future interactions as a test of the truth of that statement. And if that is the case, it’s quite possible that your ex is still often triggered by interacting with you.
Have compassion for your ex every time he or she does that thing that used to get your goat when you were together. Breathe. Say to yourself “oh yeah, there’s that thing again. that’s why we aren’t together. boy, am I happy to be free of that.”
And don’t take it personally.
It’s not about you. Even if it’s something that’s being yelled at you in your face. It’s still not about you. Let it go and be grateful you get to walk away.
Three simple things that are not so simple in practice. Forgive radically. Accept completely. Take nothing personally.
Three ways of being in the world that will pay off tremendously for you, not just with your ex, but in every area of your life.
Today, on our 11th wedding anniversary, I am more grateful for my ex-husband than ever. He’s been part of the fabric of my life for 16 years and shaped the me that I am today as much as my parents.
Every relationship (especially the difficult ones) give you an opportunity to be more of who you are. To take the high road. To forgive, when you think you can’t. To have compassion. To stop blaming and take personal responsibility for your part. To love, even when it’s hard.
Loving your ex may be the very best thing you can ever do for yourself.
27 Comments
My wedding anniversary – now no longer celebrated because of divorce 3 years ago – is also today – on Valentine's Day. Well done, and thank you, Alexis. Indeed – a challenge to move past, deeper, and into all that's in the mix of this reality: our loving, our hurting, our failing(s), our forgiving, our accepting, our living full and amazing lives!
More than regret, I am grateful. I stand stronger, more powerful, more myself, more tender – because of my past, my marriage, and hard, important decisions. And I do not stand alone. My two amazing and stunningly-beautiful daughters are both reminder and recognition of marriage's gift, love's gift, and the gift/challenge/invitation of hope. Always hope.
Happy Valentine's Day – and Happy Anniversary, Alexis!
My wedding anniversary – now no longer celebrated because of divorce 3 years ago – is also today – on Valentine's Day. Well done, and thank you, Alexis. Indeed – a challenge to move past, deeper, and into all that's in the mix of this reality: our loving, our hurting, our failing(s), our forgiving, our accepting, our living full and amazing lives!
More than regret, I am grateful. I stand stronger, more powerful, more myself, more tender – because of my past, my marriage, and hard, important decisions. And I do not stand alone. My two amazing and stunningly-beautiful daughters are both reminder and recognition of marriage's gift, love's gift, and the gift/challenge/invitation of hope. Always hope.
Happy Valentine's Day – and Happy Anniversary, Alexis!
I've been doing so much forgiveness work lately – I forgave my ex-boyfriend. Silly really, it was ten years ago, and we only dated for a year but I was carrying so much resentment. I also realised that I had to forgive myself as I was blaming myself for putting up with it, and letting him treat me the way he did – I realised that I was more angry and ashamed with myself than with him….
I feel so free…!
EXCELLENT post Alexis!
I forgave the unforgivable. I did it immediately, whole-heartedly, & did the hard parts, the heart parts, by myself for over a year while my man had to work to get his head straight.
We didn't divorce, we're still together, with a marriage that is stronger than it ever was (& I had thought we were pretty damn strong before).
The first part came quickly. The second two took time & practice, but it was SO liberating once I mastered them. 🙂 There's a freedom, a lightness of being that comes when all of those elements are put into place. It's funny, because when people meet us, they'd never suspect that we have a marriage that has defied odds that crumble most “mere-mortals”. (Not my term, someone has said that to me in the past.)
But those 3 elements? People don't even begin to realize just how amazingly powerful they are. 🙂
I've been doing so much forgiveness work lately – I forgave my ex-boyfriend. Silly really, it was ten years ago, and we only dated for a year but I was carrying so much resentment. I also realised that I had to forgive myself as I was blaming myself for putting up with it, and letting him treat me the way he did – I realised that I was more angry and ashamed with myself than with him….
I feel so free…!
EXCELLENT post Alexis!
I forgave the unforgivable. I did it immediately, whole-heartedly, & did the hard parts, the heart parts, by myself for over a year while my man had to work to get his head straight.
We didn't divorce, we're still together, with a marriage that is stronger than it ever was (& I had thought we were pretty damn strong before).
The first part came quickly. The second two took time & practice, but it was SO liberating once I mastered them. 🙂 There's a freedom, a lightness of being that comes when all of those elements are put into place. It's funny, because when people meet us, they'd never suspect that we have a marriage that has defied odds that crumble most “mere-mortals”. (Not my term, someone has said that to me in the past.)
But those 3 elements? People don't even begin to realize just how amazingly powerful they are. 🙂
Hi Alexis,
Congratulations on becoming an over-comer and such a great example for others. From just the little bit I've seen of your recent online business endeavors, I hope that “'your future's so bright you gotta wear shades”.
Hi Alexis,
Congratulations on becoming an over-comer and such a great example for others. From just the little bit I've seen of your recent online business endeavors, I hope that “'your future's so bright you gotta wear shades”.
This is a phenomenal and very powerful story, and one that needs to be told and shared and spread! As a person who has been divorced, and as a family law attorney, I know that this situation would be unthinkable for most people. I mean, how many people would even consider doing this? You certainly have taken the very highest road. Good for you! Hopefully your story will let people know that this arrangement is possible for some folks, and certainly would be wonderful for the children.
I'm not sure I could have done that, but I can say I have an amazing relationship now with my ex, some 15 years later. This year he and his wife (we call each other “wife-in-laws”!) came to my house for Christmas Eve dinner… with our two grown children. Pretty awesome for them… they didn't have to run back and forth from one house to the other, making sure everybody was happy! You could hear the relief in their voices. That was pretty cool. I'm so glad I found this article. I will definite use it with my clients!
This is a phenomenal and very powerful story, and one that needs to be told and shared and spread! As a person who has been divorced, and as a family law attorney, I know that this situation would be unthinkable for most people. I mean, how many people would even consider doing this? You certainly have taken the very highest road. Good for you! Hopefully your story will let people know that this arrangement is possible for some folks, and certainly would be wonderful for the children.
I'm not sure I could have done that, but I can say I have an amazing relationship now with my ex, some 15 years later. This year he and his wife (we call each other “wife-in-laws”!) came to my house for Christmas Eve dinner… with our two grown children. Pretty awesome for them… they didn't have to run back and forth from one house to the other, making sure everybody was happy! You could hear the relief in their voices. That was pretty cool. I'm so glad I found this article. I will definite use it with my clients!
Thanks Marcy! You gave me a great idea too. It would be wonderful to collect these stories.
My mom and dad really showed me what was possible, although it did take them about 10 years to be able to be around each other too.
We've been having holidays and dinners and birthdays together for years. And since my dad passed on 5 years ago, my mom and grandmother have embraced my stepmom as if she is a member of the family.
So glad to hear how you are getting along with your ex. Beautiful!
Thanks Marcy! You gave me a great idea too. It would be wonderful to collect these stories.
My mom and dad really showed me what was possible, although it did take them about 10 years to be able to be around each other too.
We've been having holidays and dinners and birthdays together for years. And since my dad passed on 5 years ago, my mom and grandmother have embraced my stepmom as if she is a member of the family.
So glad to hear how you are getting along with your ex. Beautiful!
I agree… it would be wonderful to collect these stories! And I hadn't thought of that. But imagine the impact a book with these stories could have on changing the relationships people “think” are appropriate with their former spouses. I talk in my book about the benefits of maintaining this relationship, especially for the children… but a book of stories of people who have actually managed to do that, I think that could really give people something to model and also the hope that it is possible for them. Hmmmm. -:)
I agree… it would be wonderful to collect these stories! And I hadn't thought of that. But imagine the impact a book with these stories could have on changing the relationships people “think” are appropriate with their former spouses. I talk in my book about the benefits of maintaining this relationship, especially for the children… but a book of stories of people who have actually managed to do that, I think that could really give people something to model and also the hope that it is possible for them. Hmmmm. -:)
It is harder to be stronger–My husbands ex wife has always been around (17 years) (I invite her and her parents constantly) It is the right thing to do—My step son is a United States Marine now and not home often -and I still have his Mother and Grandparents over!!!!!!
Amazing but no doubt difficult and requiring significant maturity and self confidence too.
Congrats. Still wrapping my head around the living together part.
I thought I was crazy for thinking something like this is possible! Thank you for showing me that I'm not and that radical love and forgiveness is possible!
Oh please! What bullshit.
In the past it was bullshit, yes. But it doesn't have to be. The new paradigm is based on love and forgiveness. When we can all embrace that our world will change. Love to you.
You are so welcome Leslie! It's my joy to model this for you.
Yes, Leslie, thank you! It is so my joy to model this for you and others.
Alexis,
Awesome words of truth. Having just gone through a divorce after 12 years of marriage, those are some great words of wisdom. I'm saving this article to read again and again when I forget it's wisdom.
Carolyn
Such an awesome article. When you become fully responsible for your life, you quit holding others accountable for the one thing you can be responsible for…your state of consciousness. I love what Eckhart Tolle says: Only an unconscious person tries to manipulate, but only an unconscous person can be manipulated. When we are unconscious we attract manipulation. When we become conscious we forgive and at the same time we do not allow unconscious behavior as an excuse. Thanks for the article Alexis. Marlene Chism, http://www.stopyourdrama.com
I read that mantra was used in Hawaii and called Ho-o-pono-pono by the therapist who empied out the psych ward. He just looked at the case file and saw something of himself in that person. His spoken love. sorry, forgiveness and thanks were to himself! I posted this mantra as a caregivers prayer, and used it effectually with alzheimers patients who wondered why I was barring the door against their leaving. I found I could be firm and not feel unkind, for I was truly loving myself as well as them. Shelley
There is all truth in this piece, thanks… I have found the benefit in my Ex over and over again and feel a sense of gratitude for what “I” was able to create in the aftermath for both myself, my former husband and our son. Why be mad? It’s just not worth holding onto and has the ability to muck up the future if we don’t let go. www.benefitofthex.com…is my site about love and relationships. Feel free to check it out! Thanks for your words too. So important for growth! Aloha, June
I love it….
I love drama….