Last night, I wrote about an awareness I gained about myself. But, I didn’t tell you what it is. Truthfully, I was a little embarrassed.
Here it is:
I spend a lot of time analyzing EVERYTHING. Dave was teasing me about how I even analyzed the Honeymooners TV show (a favorite of his) when we watched it together. I just couldn’t help but think that Alice was so unhappy with her life.
Quite often, that analyzing mind turns on me and the analysis generally goes something like this:
“Is how I’m feeling okay? What’s wrong with the way I’m feeling. Why do I feel this way? Who can I blame for these feelings? Damn, why’d I have to lash out that way? What’s wrong with me? Why do I feel this way if I know everything’s okay? Why can’t I feel that everything’s okay?”
I know I’m not the only one who has these thoughts.
I also know that it’s these thoughts and feelings that trap people between success in life and a life of suffering.
No matter how much money I have, no matter how famous I become, no matter how many people I help, if I allow mySELF to get trapped by this self-analysis and not accept that sometimes I just don’t feel great and that’s okay, have compassion for it and stop judging it, I will be suffering.
I believe most of us have thoughts that insist there’s something wrong … with the world, with our situations, with ourselves.
My experience is not unique.
When I used my analyzing mind to inquire within instead of getting caught in the circular patterns of why, why, why, I discovered something interesting.
It’s not the thinking and the analysis that causes the suffering. It’s the not okayness with it. It’s the moving away from it that causes suffering.
My pattern is to be constantly looking for what’s wrong. It’s always asking, “is everything okay here?” and then judging the answer.
True freedom comes from the realization that it’s always okay. Even the frustration, the analysis, and the not remembering these Truths.
Whenever I immerse myself in my spiritual work and spend time in the presence, I am able to shake my head, appreciate (and even laugh at!) the incessant self-analysis and convert it to self-inquiry, have compassion for myself and stop judging what’s happening.
When I do that, I stop asking what’s wrong with this and start to inquire am I okay with what’s happening?
And then, I notice. As I notice, I begin to experience freedom bit by bit because now I’m no longer in the midst of the spinning thoughts, but instead observing the insanity. And perhaps, even laughing at it.
NLP, mind control, positive thinking, affirmations … I’ve tried them all. I’ve tried everything I can to change my thinking. But, it just keeps coming back. Time and time again.
The only thing that stops my suffering is to become okay with it. Accept it and let it be. Let it be okay to feel the pain, the sadness, the anger, the hurt. This too shall pass. Let it be.
Easier said then done you say?
Soon, I’ll share a path I’ve learned that helps a lot.
Girl, you *must* read Dani Johnson’s new book, Spirit Driven Success. I think you’ll love it just as much as I did 😉 She talks about the same stuff- especially the “no matter how much money I get, no matter how famous I get”part. It instantly reminded me of a chapter in the book that talks about the same thing 😉
Very well said Alexis. And your honesty about it is fabulous. No matter how long we practice the principles of living in the moment we’ll have times when our minds get away from us and that’s all good too. Awareness without judgment, as you alluded to here, is so powerful.
Thank you for sharing.
And there’s also Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha, by Tara Brach. Fabulous stuff.
I had a similar realization today. If just once, I could stop obsessing about whether or not I’m happy, maybe I could, in fact, be happy.
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