“Until we have seen someone’s darkness, we don’t really know who they are. Until we have forgiven someone’s darkness, we don’t really know what love is.” — Marianne Williamson
For years, I have blogged in the name of authenticity and transparency, knowing I had a deep dark secret I was not sharing.
I kept it to myself because I was afraid it would hurt my business.
I look back to posts in late 2009 and throughout 2010 when I was really going through it, questioning everything, uncertain about who and what to believe, and I am surprised to see how positive and upbeat my posts were.
I put on a happy face, looked at the bright side, and compromised the fullness of my expression because I didn’t want you to know how afraid I was, how uncertain I was, how often I found myself spiraling into the darkness.
I let it out a little bit. But not nearly as much as I have just in these past several days. And rarely in real time.
All the while, I was hurting. I wanted to share it all, as it was happening, raw and real. But, I couldn’t do it. I manifested people in my life who reflected back to me that it would be a very, very bad idea for me to tell so much. So I would go long periods without writing when things felt the darkest. And when I emerged, I would write about them with a white wash varnish of sparkle, love and light.
I’ve had to let go of everything I thought mattered to me — the big house, the fancy car, the Platinum American Express that got me into all the airport club lounges, the television appearances, the brand, and the image — so I could finally really share the truth of what’s going on here, in real time. It was only when there was nothing left to lose that I could fully let you in to see all of me. Now, you can begin to know who I really am. Now, I can begin to know who I really am.
It’s not always pretty.
Please do not beat yourself up when you find yourself in darkness. It’s normal.
Please do not question your worth when you feel as if you don’t know what to do, don’t understand what is happening, or think you cannot hold it together another minute.
Instead, dive into the darkness. Feel it, expand it, become intimate with it. Do not resist it.
Let it go, let it out, scream and shout (preferably not at your children, partner or anyone else for that matter), but do let it rip. Do not hide it, shame it, avoid it, shut it down, drug it or try to fix it.
Freedom is so close.
It’s normal. You are okay. I am too. The darkness is not only nothing to be afraid of, it’s a necessary component of our human existence for without it, we could not be aware of the light.
As Neale Donald Walsch says in my most favorite of all books, the Little Soul and the Sun “And so,” God concluded, “when you are surrounded by darkness, do not shake your first and raise your voice and curse the darkness. Rather be a Light unto the darkness …”
And to me that means to speak out in the midst of the darkness, to shine my light into its dark corners and share it with you here so you can share yours and together we can all be free.
Today, I am touching some of that darkness. I feel a bit heavy and flat. My chest feels constricted and tight. My mind is spinning stories of unworthiness, shame, guilt and fear. You wouldn’t know it by looking at me and I haven’t even spoken of it to anyone else today, not even Craig. But, I can feel it inside of me. And instead of recoiling from it as I have done in the past, I am sharing it here with you.
Instead of pushing myself this afternoon after my coaching calls to get more done, to send one more email, to make one more connection (as I would have done in the past), I went outside onto the trampoline and read a chapter in the book Midnights witht he Mystic, and fell asleep in the Sunshine. A nap. In the middle of the day. That is a new one for me.
And now, here I am letting you in on this darkness. I can feel more light pouring in already.
I am grateful for this freedom to share the real me, to take a nap in the middle of the day, to relax into truth.
In many ways, I have Dan Kennedy to thank for it (the freedom, not the darkness — although perhaps the darkness I am feeling today is related to having watched Dan’s new videos, who knows).
Though I feel quite repulsed by many of his teachings now (especially his advice regarding the “clever truth” and his intense focus on money + influence) I have to give Dan credit for so many things.
It’s through Dan that I met two of the most important men in my life – Dave and Craig (who I coincidentally met at the same marketing conference in August of 2006 in Cleveland, OH) – and it’s because of his guidance that I have a business where I can work from home, a business model in which I have recurring revenue coming in from membership programs that allow me to give my gifts to lots of people all at once instead of just one to one, and the time and space for this healing and transformation to take place without stressing about money. I’ve taken what works for me and left the rest.
Dan is in the midst of releasing a video series that will lead to him selling some kind of product. He’s calling it the DNA GameChanger. This is my affiliate link to his videos. I’m sharing it with you because he provided the foundation for my financial freedom and because if you are going to buy his course anyway, I’d love to earn the affiliate commission he is going to pay on it.
If you are a healer or a lightworker, don’t bother clicking the link. You will be pained, I think, by a lot of what you see. Well, I am anyway, these days. But, if you are a more conventional business type and less sensitive about such things, Dan Kennedy could be exactly the game changer you have been looking for to take you from toiling away in an office to a highly leveraged, profitable, systematic business model.
And if you do end up buying his course, send me the receipt (you will need to opt-in to the videos using this link for me to get credit for anything you buy down the road) and we’ll book some private time in which I can help you apply what you learn in his course to your own business.
Now on to today’s Course practice (and yesterday’s since I didn’t get a chance to write then and tomorrow’s since I’ll be traveling to Rochester and won’t get to write).
Lessons 4, 5 and 6 are similar — they are re-training my mind to recognize that my thoughts are not real. I know this probably sounds strange, especially if you have not been in contact with this sort of an idea before (and in that case your mind is probably very resistant to it because it does not like the suggestion that it is not real). But, I know this is true. I have had enough direct experiences of truth beyond my mind and found myself in the witness consciousness where I was able to recognize that I am not my mind, but instead the awareness that is aware that I have a mind and thoughts, to know in my heart and in my gut that my thoughts are not real.
My biggest challenge with these exercises is the part of my mind that already knows all of this does not want to practice it and is working really hard to sabotage me from actually integrating this knowing. The transformation happens in the practice, not the knowing.
Perhaps you’ve heard the saying that “knowing is the booby prize.” Well, it’s the truth. I can know all day long, but if I’m not practicing, I am not going to experience the miracles that come with a full body and soul integration of that knowing into my being.
So, I am going to take a few days before I go on to the next lessons and repeatedly practice lessons 4, 5 and 6 instead of moving on.
I will practice the full body awareness (as applied to specific thoughts that arise) that the thoughts do not mean anything. Each time I am upset, no matter how small, I will practice the awareness that I am not upset for the reason I think I am and I will not try to find a reason for the upset. I will just relax into that awareness that it is not for the reason I think.
And finally, I will practice the awareness that I am upset because I am seeing something that is not there and will do my best not to judge whatever that may be or even try to inquire into what it is that I am seeing. I will just practice the awareness that I am seeing something that is not there and let it be at that.
If you are practicing along with me, please share your experience. And whether you are or not, please do share your experience of the darkness — where does it hold you back from shining your light? How do you handle it when you find yourself deep into it? Any ideas on how to keep showing up right through it or do you think that’s not healthy? Share it up people, I love to hear from you.