Most people consider January 1 to be their New Year, but I have long felt that September is my annual reboot. Perhaps from my early Jewish upbringing, or because September kicked off the start of the school year.
Now, though, it’s because of Burning Man.
For the past 4 years, Burning Man has been a chance for me to deconstruct my personality and re-evaluate my life. This year was no different, except the deconstruction has been in full force for some time now.
Perhaps this year, Burning Man will mark the beginning of my re-construction.
A few things became glaringly obvious during this year’s journey to the desert and back again …
1. Self-Care is the missing foundation required for me to impact the world at the level I so deeply desire.
This one has been tough for me. My ego is absolutely certain I’m here on this planet, at this time, to help millions of people wake up.
My impact, while large by some standards, has felt tiny compared to my grand vision. Attempts to grow my reach have only left me more and more frustrated. I’ve exhausted myself in this pursuit, at the expense of caring for myself, my children and my relationships. Self care feels like a drag. Unproductive. Not fun… at all. That faulty view-point completely reversed last week around sunrise, after a long, painful night of deconstruction in the desert.
What I discovered this week is that my beliefs about this are hiding a deep sense of unworthiness. I am desperately afraid that if I go within and focus just on myself and my family and my beloved, the work of the transformation of the world will pass me by, happen without me and I will be left out altogether. Thanks to the guidance and wisdom of a few friends who see more clearly than I do, I now understand that the greatest gift we can each give the world is our own personal healing and transformation, and I am no different.
Imagine, if we all went inside, took care of ourselves and did our own internal work before trying to help anyone else … the world would transform all on its own. My ego feels afraid of that and yet I know it is right.
2. When I FULLY let go, I open myself up to receive… and be met.
My M.O. has been to make loads of money so I would never have to be dependent. I first learned this from my mom as I watched her depend on my father for her well-being and be let down again and again and again and again. I swore I would never be dependent on anyone, and especially not a man.
And then I wondered why I never felt fully supported. Again and again, I tried to solve this problem of not feeling supported by hiring more and more people, throwing money at them because then they could not desert me. And yet, they did.
It is only by becoming deeply vulnerable – letting it all go and literally having nothing – that I have been opened enough to see that all my needs are always met. I can simply receive.
This became clear on the playa when I was literally without cash to fill my RV with water and buy coffee at center camp (generally speaking, Burning Man is a gift economy and no cash is necessary, but you still do need it for things like ice, coffee, and dumping/filling the RV). When I reached into the pocket of a coat I had borrowed to find $10 for coffee and my girlfriend filled my RV with water without me even asking, I got it in my body — all my needs are met, all ways, always.
When I feel myself getting stressed out about not having enough money, I can now remind myself, I don’t need to hoard, reserves are no longer necessary, my needs will be met. Yours, too.
3. I am powerful beyond measure, but only when I recognize the truth of who I really am and drop the bullshit.
Over the years, I have built a wall around me. A wall of seeming power and superiority. My business success led me to believe I was something special, hot shit, all that and a bag of chips.
This superiority complex kept me separate and, in many ways, small.
This week at Burning Man, I set an intention at the beginning of the week to, ‘Connect with the Unknown.’ My integration word leaving the week, ‘Humility.’ I finally got my eyes opened to the reality that I am highly UNDER-developed in most areas of my life and I have a LOT of work to do on myself. Over-compensating with fame, fortune & ‘success’ has blinded me, and many others, to this reality… and it stops now.
By committing to do the work of healing and transformation in myself, my ability feel and help others feel the full power of who we are becomes activated in a way my 1-dimensional appearance of power & success has been hindering all along.
It is time for me to face everything I have spent my whole life avoiding, tear down the constructs that have kept me shielded from reality, and accept the truth of who I am. Only then can I live into my full purpose of helping you see the truth of who you really are.
I feel deeply confronted by all of this, and in deep awareness/trust that it’s all unfolding perfectly.
The final resolution/revolution that I am being drawn to is that I have used workaholism, business and constant creation of more, more, more to avoid doing the internal work that I must do for my own transformation/healing. I told myself I had to do these things – and at the time I did – but no longer. So, I am engaging in a massive restructuring of my life & how I live it, both internally and externally.
My calendar is more open than I’ve seen it in years. And that scares me.
With the clarity & support of my partner Craig, I have committed to an Integral Transformative Practice (ITP).
It is still shaping up, but aims to include daily writing and dancing, weekly singing, a mentored tantric practice with my beloved, authentic relating practices with my community, and some sort of regular systems practice within the businesses, which begins with a massive 80/20’ing of all business operations and revenue streams. I feel like I’ve created enough for now, and I’m ready to ‘get small’ and right-size my life, do the deeply personal work of self-care, and grow myself up from a place of deeper connection with Source, authentic connection in my community, and support it all with a business designed to serve my development, not the other way around.
You’ll notice that meditation is not on this list. I’m still debating as to how best to integrate meditation into my path. I pray daily, but not during any specific time, more so as a moment by moment, ‘please God show me the way,’ kind of thing. I’d like it to be more structured, but am finding resistance to it. Perhaps this will spontaneously shift as other areas of practice help me ground in.
And most of all, I am committed to confronting all that I have been avoiding, the ugly parts of myself that I have hidden with my superiority and specialness so that I can find the truth of the powerful woman that I am.
I’m curious about you … do you have a regular practice, spiritual or otherwise?
Are you committed to seeing that which you have spent your life avoiding? If so, how do you do that? Please share with me so I can feel connected to your heart and find support for my own path to seeing what I’ve been hiding, repressing, denying & simply neglecting inside myself.
25 Comments
Beautiful, revealing Post, Ali! Thank you for sharing…
Two things came to mind, immediately, upon a first read thru…
1. “Change yourself, and you have done your part to change the world.” – Paramahansa Yogananda
2. I feel praying/meditating “moment by moment” is exactly right! …To me, meditating is a technique to dissolve the veil (the metaphorical membranes) between our conscious and unconscious minds, and tap into our deeper truths of personal intuition, and our ‘OverSoul’… If we are not doing this with every thought, breath, and stimuli in every moment, we are missing opportunities for growth… Mastery comes with doing this with Grace and Ease. As simply as walking, and breathing; Second nature… It becomes our State of Being…
Dear Ali, I w’ll write longer later today. I just can tell you that I acknowledge you for being courageous and authentic. I am also in the middle of my own transformation. And I am looosinnng so much… uffff… I just “lost” my “best friend”. He was like devil in my life, so I decided to confront everything. I also decided to dismiss most of my clients and I am sooo sooo sooo scared!!! But I know that’s what I need to do. My “spiritual” practice: I tried meditating, swimming etc etc but it all ended up as a way to avoid reality. I took the “Landmark Forum”, which permitted me to “clean” my mind and my soul… but my main “spiritual practice” is: BEING IN CONTACT WITH OTHERS, TRULY LISTENNING TO THEM, COMMITMENT TO SERVICE… sometimes it’s hard because I tend to think that I have all the answers, that I am “loosing time” when I listen to other people, but NOOO, being in contact with their own humanity makes me so vulnerable, and also soooo connected to the WORLD… and it’s just great, even for my work!! But I won’t tell you it’s easy… it’s even funny, when you say that your calendar is “open” and that scares you I UNDERSTANDDDD IT I haven’t been so “free” for the last… I don’t know, 25 years???? But it’s worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, Nathalie Lozano
Ali,
I love watching (and reading about) what you are discovering and appreciate your honesty as you share about your insights, and transformation. I too am a seeker, a truth teller and someone who has been deeply guided to the work you are now embarking on (I’ve been doing it now for over 10 years). In some ways, I feel like you’ve done in the world what I am now setting out to do (share my message in a really big way), and interestingly enough my work is about the importance of Radical Self care, that includes spiritual nourishment! 🙂 Reading your post helped me connected even more deeply to the message my heart carries and the importance of sharing what my life lessons have taught me. Here’s to showing up, saying YES, and Remembering who we are, so we naturally want to care deeply for ourselves.
Many blessings to your continued growth!
Jenn
Founder of A Heart Centered Life
http://www.forwomenwhodoitall.com
The “ugly parts” are beautiful … as are you!
Aho, sister! Thank you!
Ali so much of what you share here is like you are in my brain. All three of you main points hit the proverbial nail right on the head – couldn’t have said it better myself!
And: “The final resolution/revolution that I am being drawn to is that I have
used workaholism, business and constant creation of more, more, more to
avoid doing the internal work that I must do for my own
transformation/healing. I told myself I had to do these things – and at
the time I did – but no longer. So, I am engaging in a massive
restructuring of my life & how I live it, both internally and
externally.”… This has been exactly my path over the last year and has really put me in the “die-zone”. Pulling way back from public view to create the time and space to focus on the internal transformation and rebirthing of my vision of myself, what I deeply value in my life and what I truly want to create around those values has been a daily practice of reminding myself what Larry shared “Change yourself, and you have done your part to change the world.” – Paramahansa Yogananda (especially in magnifying for me how this daily work is serving the powerful redefining of my role as mother for my girls each and every day.)
And as a little side note re: meditation – having had my Soul Languages identified by Jennifer Urezzio (which I soo highly recommend) – I also learned that all three of my languages are Action/Still oriented – meaning that sitting still for long periods of time – kind of meditation just isn’t my thing and probably never will be – but trance dancing – long spirit walks in nature – meditative painting or drawing produce amazing clarity for me. Just an anagle to consider related to developing a process to create stillness that really fits with your unique makeup.
Thanks again Ali for pulling back the veil to reveal your transformative path – I keep hearing the words lately – “Our vulnerability really is our greatest strength!”
Aho to that!
😉
Amy
The healing of within IS the healing of the world! Welcome to the only source for true transformation. You knew it ALL along. 🙂 We love you and can’t wait to connect again!! XO Sierra & Rono
The healing of within IS the healing of the world! You found the truth (that was always there for you) Welcome to the other side. 🙂 We love you and can’t wait to reconnect with you. XO Sierra & Rono
My two biggest tools right now for deeper inner work are yoga + the Enneagram. I’m an 8 limbs kind of yoga girl so I integrate as much sitting as I do asana work. The Enneagram as been a big mindful slap in the face in tearing down my ‘it’s just who i am’ walls + seeing the truth. This integrated with Vipassana/Insight meditation have become a powerful combination. I’ve been simplifying my life ever since I let it all fall apart 18mths ago.
My challenge at the moment is noticing how my daily self care routine shifts + changes as my energy levels increase. I’m noticing there’s an ebb + flow…and I’m trusting in that process providing I always fulfill my ‘bare minimum’.
As to what am I committed to seeing…the truth. I’ve been dropping the lies since I let everything fall apart but I want to explore it even more…i want to up close + personal…deep + intimate with all the lies behind the lies 🙂
xoxo
My utmost respect for your journey Ali! Longer I’m on this path, more I understand that it’s this struggle, this searching, this “stripping” that is THE goal. I believe that the Divine is not interested in perfection or end goals but in our sincere searching for God within us, around us and through us. My heart is with you and I love you. Christiane
My utmost respect for your journey Ali! Longer I’m on this path, more I understand that it’s this struggle, this searching, this “stripping” that is THE goal. I believe that the Divine is not interested in perfection or end goals but in our sincere searching for God within us, around us and through us. My heart is with you and I love you. Christiane
My utmost respect for your journey Ali! Longer I’m on this path, more I understand that it’s this struggle, this searching, this “stripping” that is THE goal. I believe that the Divine is not interested in perfection or end goals but in our sincere searching for God within us, around us and through us. My heart is with you and I love you. Christiane
Great, Alexis, that you are so willing to share your “stuff”, which we all have our share of for sure, me included. For myself, I never feel quite “right” about life unless I have taken time to consciously connect deeply with Source in a quiet space – taking just 20 minutes in the morning helps me to remember who I AM and informs the activities of the rest of the day from a more expanded, spacious state of Being. We each have to find ways that work best for ourselves – I personally meditate focusing on the breath or by repeating a special word or phrase like Love or One. The other practice that helps me alot is “moving prayer” like Tai Chi or walking meditation repeating Thich Nhat Hanh’s walking meditation words slowly, ‘ I have arrived, I am at home, in the here, in the now, I am solid, I am free, in the ultimate I dwell.” Even just reading a few lines from any of his books is good – like “Present Moment, Wonderful Moment”. Or even just being quiet in nature and gazing at something beautiful, we come more fully into our Hearts and tend to breathe more deeply. Or simply resonating to love by thinking of someone or something you love for some quiet moments is a powerful practice. I know you’ll easily and naturally find a practice or practices that resonate with you that bring you deep peace and joy. Love, Lorraine
I promise you & stake my life on one truth: that if you find Jesus Christ, you will find ALL the answers you ever needed. 🙂 I’ll be happy to share more yet know that that is truly where you must begin. Nothing else will ever take you to the full expression of yourself & to your potential. Nothing.
Wow that sounds tremendous! I come from a Jewish background too, and do a daily Isha yoga & meditation practice which has completely transformed my life. It helped me recover from health problems like asthma and digestive difficulties, while making me feel calmer and more joyous. I have become much more at ease in life, which has enabled me to take more risks with grace and not to fear failure. I have written about my journey on my blog. You can also get a taste by trying the meditation practice called Isha Kriya, which is free & online.
sending respect and admiration to you Alexis, thank you for continuing to share in complete transparency
Ali, I love that you are starting to take care of yourself. We must heal ourselves before we can help anyone else. I used to hate meditation until I realized that the purpose was to simply become “the observer” of my mind/body so I can connect with my higher self — the part of me that is authentic, and loving, and lives in truth. So if you can get to that awareness in just a few minutes, then that is all you need to reframe your actions and motivations and find the insight for the moment. I like journaling with my Trusted Source and Kundalini yoga to help me with this. I hope you enjoy this new freedom to have fun! xoxo
Awesome. First of all, you know it’s really true, that phrase, “the more personal, the more universal.” Because I really feel that on some level, this post applies to everyone. But maybe I’m projecting, because I definitely related to all of these revelations on a personal level. 🙂
Anywho, I’m very curious as to why meditation was not included. For me, [mindfulness/vipassana] meditation has been the number one factor in gaining humility AND opening myself up to receive. Basically the main force in keeping me in check and gaining perspective all around, and consistently so. Also, a current theme for me at the moment, in terms of lacking self-care, is that I haven’t been meditating nearly enough. (This comes out for me in disorganization/ADD/lack of clarity/impatience/being discouraged easily and the tendency to take the easy way out of things.)
Could you possibly speak more to that?
<3 <3 <3
Beauty and Grace. Thank You!
U sure thats ur purpose? Hehee!!! When I get a sec I’ll search for a great Allan Watts lecture for u on the nature of purpose. In the meantime u may want to dip into some of his many thoughts that can be found on the web, very special thinker he’s been. Here’s one of his thoughts expressed, not the one I’ll find for u someday but a goody: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7blUYJm6i-c&feature=related .
Had an old wise friend years ago while working at the Grand Canyon. Of a family with 18 brothers and sisters from Hawaii, he would say, among his family if u don’t work u don’t eat. No days off, they lived in a state of perpetual contribution to the family’s well being. We may not experience how necessary we are to the whole as they did on his island but I sense our every thought breath action is calculated as a contribution to the whole and is very necessary. True effort and gratitude beyond words is known at Source and reciprocated in ways so neat it keeps us ever reaching for another breath. That said maybe it’s never just “receiving”. What comes r way are gifts (some call um blessings) imparted upon us for r expansion in love, for r contribution and will to be this earth dance. Seems we’re making offerings with every thought breath action to the whole for which we receive our next…
Perhaps intelligence, instinct, intuition are gifts/tools to be honored, cherished, used wisely. “The fire is burning man pull ur own weight” bob marley ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SxhrxrDkhBg ). I’ve seen and felt the dependency of the letting go process. Holding on and letting go is a fine dance that can be done with finesse or can be disastrous to u and a total nrg drain of everyone around u. U don’t want to be a draining dependent expecting the totality to kiss ur ass while u receive, much more fun to be a contributing dependent who supports their support system w the deeepest love and appreciation.
As for ur superiority complex, how special u are, “the truth” of who u r, ur lacking foundation, waking up millions ;). It’s okay to be absolutely brilliant, superior, special, to be u, and in fact u r. These qualities come in waves, experience them while u can. Ur temple’s foundation is the love thats kept u fed, clothed, got u educated, kept u with us all this time. U awaken to the love that is within u w grace and we’ll all follow suit on our path hOMe.
)'( Beautiful blog and so very very nice bumping into you two, feeling ur elation, in the streets of our mystical vanishing city. U know I love ya, peace out! )'(
Absolutely STUNNING, Ali. Wow… This post brought such tears to my eyes. Both from the congruent ‘twang’ of your sweet authenticity… To the deep soul nodding of understanding how some of these are my lessons now too. Thank you so much for sharing.
Ali,
I’m so happy for you that you wrote this post. THIS is real. You know I love you, or you should… 🙂 Part of the reason I have been a constant on your team, and wanted to remain so, is because I see through the ‘stuff’, no matter what’s going on, to this, the real truth for you. And I have always known that you really do care about lifting up the world to its full potential…it’s a desire we share., and I marvel at your prowess to make it happen. It’s very messy along the way because that’s a huge role, and to even try to presence yourself in that role, you must clear through a LOT of baggage and limiting beliefs. It’s a constant journey. No one can tell us these things we discover along the way, we must all discover them on our own time. I so applaud you and rejoice for you that Burning Man brought you to this place. Being alone… and in silence…whenever we have the opportunity is, I think, the key to ‘knowing’ our next steps along the path. 🙂
Love,
Kyra
Ali,
I’m so happy for you that you wrote this post. THIS is real. You know I love you, or you should… 🙂 Part of the reason I have been a constant on your team, and wanted to remain so, is because I see through the ‘stuff’, no matter what’s going on, to this, the real truth for you. And I have always known that you really do care about lifting up the world to its full potential…it’s a desire we share., and I marvel at your prowess to make it happen. It’s very messy along the way because that’s a huge role, and to even try to presence yourself in that role, you must clear through a LOT of baggage and limiting beliefs. It’s a constant journey. No one can tell us these things we discover along the way, we must all discover them on our own time. I so applaud you and rejoice for you that Burning Man brought you to this place. Being alone… and in silence…whenever we have the opportunity is, I think, the key to ‘knowing’ our next steps along the path. 🙂
Love,
Kyra
Thank you Kyra. I’m so grateful for your presence in my life. Beyond the beyond. Your heart, your service, the way you show up (and keep showing up no matter what shows up) — all are a model for me to live up to, truly. Love you woman.
Not everyone has the same path — vipassana is right for some and dance is right for others. I find a lot more pain/challenge is created when we beat ourselves up for not doing enough of something. Maybe you have been meditating just the right amount … I don’t know. Can your life become a living, day to day, moment by moment meditation? I gave up marijuana totally 3 weeks ago and I cannot tell you what a transformation that has brought up for me. I encourage you to try giving up all substances before you beat yourself up for not meditating enough. There is a great deal of clarity on the other side of sobriety.