Most people consider January 1 to be their New Year, but I have long felt that September is my annual reboot. Perhaps from my early Jewish upbringing, or because September kicked off the start of the school year.
Now, though, it’s because of Burning Man.
For the past 4 years, Burning Man has been a chance for me to deconstruct my personality and re-evaluate my life. This year was no different, except the deconstruction has been in full force for some time now.
Perhaps this year, Burning Man will mark the beginning of my re-construction.
A few things became glaringly obvious during this year’s journey to the desert and back again …
1. Self-Care is the missing foundation required for me to impact the world at the level I so deeply desire.
This one has been tough for me. My ego is absolutely certain I’m here on this planet, at this time, to help millions of people wake up.
My impact, while large by some standards, has felt tiny compared to my grand vision. Attempts to grow my reach have only left me more and more frustrated. I’ve exhausted myself in this pursuit, at the expense of caring for myself, my children and my relationships. Self care feels like a drag. Unproductive. Not fun… at all. That faulty view-point completely reversed last week around sunrise, after a long, painful night of deconstruction in the desert.
What I discovered this week is that my beliefs about this are hiding a deep sense of unworthiness. I am desperately afraid that if I go within and focus just on myself and my family and my beloved, the work of the transformation of the world will pass me by, happen without me and I will be left out altogether. Thanks to the guidance and wisdom of a few friends who see more clearly than I do, I now understand that the greatest gift we can each give the world is our own personal healing and transformation, and I am no different.
Imagine, if we all went inside, took care of ourselves and did our own internal work before trying to help anyone else … the world would transform all on its own. My ego feels afraid of that and yet I know it is right.
2. When I FULLY let go, I open myself up to receive… and be met.
My M.O. has been to make loads of money so I would never have to be dependent. I first learned this from my mom as I watched her depend on my father for her well-being and be let down again and again and again and again. I swore I would never be dependent on anyone, and especially not a man.
And then I wondered why I never felt fully supported. Again and again, I tried to solve this problem of not feeling supported by hiring more and more people, throwing money at them because then they could not desert me. And yet, they did.
It is only by becoming deeply vulnerable – letting it all go and literally having nothing – that I have been opened enough to see that all my needs are always met. I can simply receive.
This became clear on the playa when I was literally without cash to fill my RV with water and buy coffee at center camp (generally speaking, Burning Man is a gift economy and no cash is necessary, but you still do need it for things like ice, coffee, and dumping/filling the RV). When I reached into the pocket of a coat I had borrowed to find $10 for coffee and my girlfriend filled my RV with water without me even asking, I got it in my body — all my needs are met, all ways, always.
When I feel myself getting stressed out about not having enough money, I can now remind myself, I don’t need to hoard, reserves are no longer necessary, my needs will be met. Yours, too.
3. I am powerful beyond measure, but only when I recognize the truth of who I really am and drop the bullshit.
Over the years, I have built a wall around me. A wall of seeming power and superiority. My business success led me to believe I was something special, hot shit, all that and a bag of chips.
This superiority complex kept me separate and, in many ways, small.
This week at Burning Man, I set an intention at the beginning of the week to, ‘Connect with the Unknown.’ My integration word leaving the week, ‘Humility.’ I finally got my eyes opened to the reality that I am highly UNDER-developed in most areas of my life and I have a LOT of work to do on myself. Over-compensating with fame, fortune & ‘success’ has blinded me, and many others, to this reality… and it stops now.
By committing to do the work of healing and transformation in myself, my ability feel and help others feel the full power of who we are becomes activated in a way my 1-dimensional appearance of power & success has been hindering all along.
It is time for me to face everything I have spent my whole life avoiding, tear down the constructs that have kept me shielded from reality, and accept the truth of who I am. Only then can I live into my full purpose of helping you see the truth of who you really are.
I feel deeply confronted by all of this, and in deep awareness/trust that it’s all unfolding perfectly.
The final resolution/revolution that I am being drawn to is that I have used workaholism, business and constant creation of more, more, more to avoid doing the internal work that I must do for my own transformation/healing. I told myself I had to do these things – and at the time I did – but no longer. So, I am engaging in a massive restructuring of my life & how I live it, both internally and externally.
My calendar is more open than I’ve seen it in years. And that scares me.
It is still shaping up, but aims to include daily writing and dancing, weekly singing, a mentored tantric practice with my beloved, authentic relating practices with my community, and some sort of regular systems practice within the businesses, which begins with a massive 80/20’ing of all business operations and revenue streams. I feel like I’ve created enough for now, and I’m ready to ‘get small’ and right-size my life, do the deeply personal work of self-care, and grow myself up from a place of deeper connection with Source, authentic connection in my community, and support it all with a business designed to serve my development, not the other way around.
You’ll notice that meditation is not on this list. I’m still debating as to how best to integrate meditation into my path. I pray daily, but not during any specific time, more so as a moment by moment, ‘please God show me the way,’ kind of thing. I’d like it to be more structured, but am finding resistance to it. Perhaps this will spontaneously shift as other areas of practice help me ground in.
And most of all, I am committed to confronting all that I have been avoiding, the ugly parts of myself that I have hidden with my superiority and specialness so that I can find the truth of the powerful woman that I am.
I’m curious about you … do you have a regular practice, spiritual or otherwise?
Are you committed to seeing that which you have spent your life avoiding? If so, how do you do that? Please share with me so I can feel connected to your heart and find support for my own path to seeing what I’ve been hiding, repressing, denying & simply neglecting inside myself.