It’s been three weeks since my last post and in the interim my entire life has changed. Turned upside down, inside out and back again. And it ain’t even close to over yet.
I live at the farm now, in community. At least every other day, it feels as if I might die.
In so many ways, I am dying. At least my identity is. And from a business/financial perspective this release of my identity feels like a huge error, a tremendous mistake … I’ve wondered more than once … “is this what failure looks like?”
My mind spins all sorts of stories: Am I somehow being punished for poor choices or because I am a bad person? How can this possibly “work?” What the f*ck am I doing? It screams “Alexis Martin Neely, Ali Shanti, whatever your name is, just take on some private coaching clients and stop this madness!”
And yet, some part of me is keenly aware … this is a choice, possibly one I made even before incarnation depending on what you believe about that sort of thing.
In much the same way I knew I would graduate first in my law school class and have two kids before I turned 30, I have always known I would, at some point, have to (choose to) give up everything I worked so hard to create. I often wonder “are these premonitions or self-fulfilling prophecies?” Regardless, they are what is happening.
I am choosing to break the matrix that I have so carefully constructed around me because it has kept me disconnected from what’s real — and honestly, in many respects, I don’t even know what “real” is yet.
What I do know is that I need to relearn how to live, how to care for myself, how to be in relationship, how to take care of my children, how to connect to source, the land, and the cycles, pulse of nature and … how to generate income in a way that supports all of this and my purpose for being here on this planet.
Yeah, I’ve made millions over the past several years. Became known for it, even. And I did it wholly unsustainably — lots of credit, insane amounts of time and energy, relying on systems and strategies rather than Source and authentic connections. Launch after launch after launch after launch after launch. Exhausting, workaholic, over-achieving, constantly mult-tasking … un.sus.tainable.
If I continue, I will die. If I stop, I will die.
So, I am choosing the path I am most afraid of … death of my identity, so I can save my soul.
Everyone I talk to who has any sort of a clue about this process says I will come out the other side stronger, more radiant and more relatable. Right now, it just feels like hell. Literally.
I am confronting everything I have spent my entire life avoiding.
I am choosing this path so I can lead from a place of authenticity through the frustration that most of my community is experiencing — a strong desire to unplug, disconnect, and transform while at the same time staying financially supported, rooted in reality and making a big positive impact in the world.
How is it possible? I do not know, but I am determined to find out.
And share it with you.
It would help me a whole heck of a lot to hear from those of you who are going through it. Are you letting go of everything you worked so hard/invested everything in to create? Confronting what you have spent your lifetime avoiding? What does your deconstruction look like? Let me know, I want to hear from you — it makes my process a whole lot easier to handle when I hear about yours. Please share in the comments.