If you’ve been reading this blog for any amount of time, you know my life is pretty amazing. I live in my (for now) dream home by the ocean. I work from home running a million dollar plus company that is growing like gangbusters.
I’ve got a hot boyfriend who loves me and talking about business and growing spiritually and loves my kids to boot. I get to be on TV, write books, take classes at Agape and make a difference in the world.
And yet despite all the amazingness, I have periods (not necessarily short periods either) of some real unhappiness. Painful unhappiness.
Times when despite all of the great stuff happening in my life, all I can see are the not great things that are happening. Times of great frustration, annoyance, irritation, and even despair.
Can you relate?
I haven’t talked about this before because honestly I’ve felt shame about it. Plus, a part of me thought it was just the way things had to be while I was building my businesses and under a lot of stress to support my family. That it would go away when [fill in the blank].
But now, things are better than they’ve ever been and tons of the “whens” have happened that were supposed to clear the blues away and yet here they are – still present.
I’m not in financial fear any longer, I know I’m going to do all the things in my life that I want to do before I die, I have a strong connection with God, a great relationship with my ex and my kids are easier to be with than ever before.
Despite all that, the yuck within me is still here.
When I feel it, my habit has been to look for a reason and blame those around me. Used to be my husband. Then, it was my employees, my business, my mom. These days, it’s usually my boyfriend or my nanny because they are in my space the most. I’d blame the kids, if I could, but I already feel enough guilt as a working mom that I can’t saddle them with blame too.
I suspect by now you are probably somewhat shocked. I come across publicly as one of the happiest people you know.
Very few people would ever know I experience this yuckiness. I’m the poster child for happiness. I was even the butt of a joke on Twitter when some guy said I’d be a-okay if only I had some downers. [ed. note: I don’t think that was the joke exactly and I can’t find it, but it was funny and you get the point]
I even hid this side of me from my boyfriend for the first several months we were together. Not intentionally. But, I was just so warm and bubbly all the time back when we were first meeting. At least when he was around. I kept telling him there was this other side of me. But, he never saw it.
He’s seen it now though. And, it isn’t pretty.
It’s not like I’m a mega-bitch or anything. At least, I don’t think so. It’s more like I’m hyper-focused on work and cold. Inside, I feel numb. I don’t want to snuggle, or have sex, or go dancing, or do tantra or exercise. I want to talk about work and only work and sit in front of my computer and clear out my inbox.
My mind tells me I’ll relax and have fun later. Later never comes. Or if it does, it’s spread out quarterly. Binge relaxation, I call it. It’s about as healthy as every other kind of bingeing.
From a business perspective, I’m most productive during these periods of yuck. At least that’s what my mind tells me. New businesses are created, new websites launched, new products brainstormed, new books written. And so much gets done.
After each launch, I promise myself I’ll rest. But then more ideas come. And I get busy again.
I can’t live like this anymore. I deserve better.
Fortunately, I know what the answer is and it’s not more money and it’s not more theory and it’s not more information or education or affirmations.
It’s time for serious self-discipline. I’m no longer willing to settle for a life of unpredictable mood swings. I’ve allowed a belief system to be created in my mind that says I am at the mercy of my moods. In order to experience the highs, I had to experience the lows.
It’s just the way life is, I had convinced myself. LIE.
I’ve been tolerating these lows in my life since I was a teenager, placing blame instead of taking responsibility for them and doing something about it.
I CAN experience a life in which I feel joy bubbling up on a consistent basis no matter what the external circumstances of my life look like and the shadow becomes what’s fleeting.
For that to happen, I have to abandon the thoughts that I’ll relax and have fun and be happy when we go to Hawaii. I have to take full responsibility for my well-being now and accept that if I can’t be happy now, I never will be. Not in Hawaii. Not after the next launch. Not never. The time is NOW. There is no other time besides now. This is what Eckhart Tolle has been trying to tell me for years.
It’s taken me a long while to get it and really understand his message, bodily. I do now. Fortunately, I also know exactly what I need to do and it’s not going to be easy.
I need to give myself what I’ve been craving more than anything else and is in the most limited of supply – me.
What does giving myself “me” look like?
* making conscious food choices everyday instead of grabbing one of the cookies the kids baked and popping it in my mouth for breakfast or a mid-day snack.
* it means exercising for 20 minutes every day, no matter what. Even (especially) when I don’t want to.
* daily practice of something uplifting spiritually or emotionally.
* going to sleep as frequently as possible by 10p.
Each of these things sounds ridiculously simple and yet they are the things I find most difficult in my life.
My mind screams to me that I don’t have the time for any of these things.
Here’s some of the BS my mind/ego spouts:
* 20 minutes of exercises really takes 30-40 minutes when all is said and done and you don’t have time and plus you look good in clothes anyway, so who needs it.
* one cookie won’t hurt you and it’s too time-consuming to figure out what food should be in the house and what shouldn’t and the nanny is doing a good enough job at heating up the Trader Joe’s each night. Plus, Trader Joe’s is pretty healthy.
* Asleep by 10p? Not possible. The kids aren’t asleep sometimes until after 9:30p by the time all the before bed kvetching stops. When will I get time to write? Read? Be on my computer for fun and not revenue-generating activity?
I need to be doing less and all of these things feel like I’ll be adding a whole lot more on to my already full plate.
The Truth is that my businesses are finally at a point where paying more attention to ME will pay bigger rewards for them than it would be for me to create anything more to do with the business. It’s time to let it be.
It’s time to let the passive revenue engine run, for me to create a consistent self-care schedule, which must take priority, and to say no to things that interfere with it.
I’m scared to death of that. But, this whole journey is about being afraid and doing it anyway, right?
So, over the next several weeks I’ll be taking you inside the journey for real. I’ll be sharing with you the self care schedule that I’m able to carve out, whether or not it’s working and where I’m not fulfilling on my promise to myself. Perhaps, if I’m writing to you about it, I’ll stay more on track and focused.
I hope you’ll root me on, tell all your friends and if you decide you want to come along and do what I’m doing, let me know how it’s going for you.
I’m going to be making these changes in the context of two coaching type programs
JJ Virgin, celebrity fitness trainer on Dr. Phil and member of my diamond coaching program with Ali Brown, is coaching me through the health side of things – eating right, exercising and sleeping.
Kristen and David Morelli, as part of their 40 days and 40 nights program, will be coaching me to raise my energetic vibration and while their program is about breaking through money blocks, I’m seeing it as breaking through my emotional blocks to happiness. I have no doubt more money will follow.
I just noticed though that it’s 10p and time for me to go to bed, so we’ll have to continue this journey tomorrow!
Photo Credit: Flickr Creative Commons Artist Irargerich