That’s really how I’m seeing this blog. It’s where I give myself the attention I need. Attention to explore the crazy experiences that are coming along through the process of waking up.
Yes, waking up. That’s what’s happening here.
I haven’t talked about it publicly that way because it sounds so freakin’ presumptuous. But, it’s true. That’s what’s happening.
Or maybe it’s not true. The crazy thing about this entire experience is that feeling of sometimes having no idea what’s real and what’s not real. Or maybe I should say recognizing that nothing is real and everything is real.
See, what I’m discovering about waking up is that the truth is always both. It’s everything. It’s all of it. And none of it.
Just tonight, I heard myself talking about how I was done tolerating certain things. And that it felt really good to know now what I’m willing to tolerate and what I’m not willing to tolerate.
As I heard myself saying that I became aware of the part of myself that is infinitely tolerant. And a little argument started up in my head.
Listen to you talking about what you will and won’t tolerate. I just heard you say how happy you are that you are becoming less tolerant. That’s not right. You don’t want to be less tolerant. You want to be tolerant. What’s wrong with you?
As I observed the conversation, I recognized that yes I do want to be tolerant. And, I want to have clearly defined limits on what I will tolerate. Both/And.
I’ve never before given myself the attention I need to explore what those limits to my own tolerance are. I’ve always worked to become tolerant of everything because I thought that would make me a good person or that was the “right” thing to do.
Today, I am aware of the falsity of that notion.
Becoming clear about what I will and will not tolerate (which is the same as establishing healthy boundaries) is an act of self-awareness, self-acceptance and love. And when I am self aware, in total self-acceptance, and loving to myself that love will overflow to those around me.
When I am striving to tolerate everything and not giving myself room to be intolerant of certain things, I am denying something within me, I am striving, I am not in acceptance and therefore not feeling the love – for myself. And therefore, not spreading it.
So there you have it. I am intolerant. And I’m a better person for it. Lovingly intolerant.
Oh, as for the title of this post – that’s something I’m hearing a lot of lately. “Wait, stop the train! I want to get off.” comes a voice from inside. Things are changing and shifting so rapidly that I can hardly keep up with myself.
If all goes well with my new landlords, I am moving to Colorado in a month. Moving. In. A. Month.
I cannot explain on a logical level why I want to move. My life here is incredibly great. I live in my dream home. It’s 15 minutes from the airport. Driving distance to many friends from Ojai to the North to San Diego to the South. And my sister is here. I have a view of the ocean. And a workout regime, I absolutely love that I’m willing to do 2-3 times per week.
And yet, my soul is telling me to move to Colorado. Where it’s cold. Very cold.
But, it looks like we’re going. And the beat goes on.