I’m writing with the hope that by the time I am done, I will have sorted some things out. Part of me wants to hide all of this angst, and yet I know that my gift is sharing it with you as I experience it, so here it is.
I have been hiding. There’s simply too much to say and I don’t have time write my book yet. I have systems to rebuild, teams to hire, financial stuff to work out, websites to recreate …
And I let all of that stop me from living my true purpose, my gift, my reason for being here.
Which is what again?
Oh right, to shine the light. To wake up and wake you up with me. To be a model for truth, transparency and living through the fear. To make the evolutionary leap in consciousness from Stage 6 to Stage 7 and be a catalyst for others to do the same.
But, I can’t do or be any of that if I’m hiding behind stuff to do, systems to build and all the rest of it.
So here I am.
I read a post tonight by Ben Nemtin of the Buried Life (if you haven’t heard of him yet, you will, soon – probably now when you click this link) and while it is almost definitely inspirational for most people, I felt sad.
I felt sad because it reinforced what I’ve known for some time; I’ve let my really big dreams slip away.
At 30, revolutionizing an industry (the legal industry), writing a bestseller, getting a TV show, building a million dollar business … and doing it all while raising my kids seemed not only possible, but impossible not to try.
Today, 8 years later, I’m tired. And I can see now that I went about it all wrong.
Wrong in the sense that it was unsustainable. I willed my way through it all when I could have allowed a whole lot more. I tried to do way too much myself instead of relying on the right people for support.
When I did rely on others, I relied on whoever was close by (usually people who really wanted to please me, but simply did not have the training, skills, or clarity of outcome from me to actually do that) and then I got pissed and full of distrust when they couldn’t and didn’t deliver only to watch them go on and do exactly what I believed they could do all along, only after they were no longer working with me. This feels like a never-ending story of my life.
I put way too much money into the wrong things (coaches) and not nearly enough into the right things (hiring the right people to implement on my vision).
And now, what?
I almost let my dreams go. I could feel myself slipping into resignation, a feeling of being beat down by the world and an energy of fuck it, I don’t want to be that image anymore anyway. I just want to be me, a mom, a friend, a girlfriend. I don’t really need all that.
But, it’s a lie. That’s fear talking. Fear that I can’t do it. Fear that I’ll never be able to find the right people to harness my vision and execute on it strategically. Fear that I won’t be good enough to inspire people into action while they work for me instead of to “show me” what they can do after we separate. Fear, fear, fear.
I do want to revolutionize an industry (or two), I do want to write another (or three) bestselling books that change the way we collectively think, feel and respond to heavily conditioned beliefs about credit/debt, conflict and earning money (three different books, all of which have titles and outlines already written), and I would like to be on television again.
Okay, there, I said it. I wrote it down even. And that’s the first step.
Well, according to Ben, you talk about it, be persistent, be ballsy and help others. Check, check, check, and check. I’m talking about it here, nothing if not persistent and ballsy and my life is devoted to helping others. So, now it’s just a matter of time, right?
Well yes, and not quite.
My dreams got sidelined for a reason. That reason is a key piece of my (and your) evolution. My soul is not here to revolutionize an industry, write books or be on TV — it’s here to heal/wake up/evolve. And my dreams will not/cannot be realized until that happens.
In fact, it’s my belief that we are each given our unique dreams so that we will be taken on the path that leads to our deepest healing. And the more we let go of the resistance to what we really want, dig deep to discover what that is and go for it in a big way, the more opportunity we will have to heal that which stands in our way.
For me that requires a few major things:
1. Stay open, transparent and real.
The Whole Truth Show was my weekly outlet for letting you fully in to see my internal growth process. We decided to reallocate those 2-3 hours per week to focus on the rebrand, rebuild and rebirth of the businesses and that feels like the right decision.
While the backstage pass gives you a peek into the external process and All-Access Membership takes you all the way inside, it’s not really focused on what’s going on for me internally through it all.
I need to share that more here.
By the way, this kind of access to the inside/behind the scenes is a trend you’ll see a lot more of because I believe it’s part of our evolution and it’s necessary for growth.
The people still hiding behind their shiny facades will find that they become much less credible over the next few years. Vishen Lakhiani, founder of MindValley and now MindValley Insights, is opening the kimono already so that his vision can touch 500 million lives. Yes!
And I just stumbled across Nancy Marmolejo’s similar decision to publicly chronicle her decision to rebrand and the process around it, so there’s definitely something here.
2. Hire up and then let go.
It’s so difficult for me to talk about where I have fallen down in this area, but I know it’s common so I will try not to hold back. Another nugget from Vishen, which you can read in full on the MindValley Insights Facebook page. He was talking to Richard Branson and asked him the one secret to his success. Richard replied:
“It’s all about finding and hiring people smarter than you. Getting them to join your business. And giving them good work. Then getting out of their way. And trusting them. You have to get out of the way so YOU can focus on the bigger vision. That’s important. And here’s the main thing….you must make them see their work as a MISSION.”
I did this once. Kind of. I’m not sure I ever got the trusting part down completely. And then I lost sight of the mission myself. I got caught up in the money and that was the end of that.
I vow to do it differently and I have been empowering Martha, Craig and Kyra (my closest business partners) to call me out when they see me falling back into my old patterns (because I will).
3. Stop manifesting and start generating.
I always considered myself a master manifestor. And, I have been without a doubt. But, it turns out that all that pushing through, making things happen and intensity of manifestation may not actually be my natural design. I got a call out of the blue recently from a Facebook friend who told me he had the answers to my perpetual overwhelm and I should Skype him. I did and he pointed out to me that my Human Design is actually that of a generator, not a manifestor.
In the past, my logical left brain would have dismissed this guy’s comments immediately. My ego is sure I am a master manifestor and that’s that. But, I know it’s not.
Craig has been guiding me for some time to shift how I’m doing things. My higher self has been telling me quite clearly that if I don’t, I will get sick. And then this man (Christopher Power) calls me out of the blue and basically tells me the same thing.
And when I heard it coming from this new voice, I understood it a whole lot more. I have to stop making things happen and instead relax and wait to respond to what is already happening.
This is extremely challenging for me because I have been deeply conditioned to believe that if I do not take care of myself nobody else will. And that’s the healing my soul is crying out for — to learn to trust, to discover the truth that it’s not really all up to me, to let go and as my friend Annie (Eben Pagan’s wife) taught me at Burning Man, repose.
So that’s how I am getting back in the saddle again. I’m dreaming the dream, writing it down, telling you all about it, hiring the right people to support it and then letting go of the attachment to how or what happens.
Repose, repose, repose.
Got a story of a dream let go and resurrected? If so, I’d love to hear it. After all, it is resurrection weekend, eh? Share your story in the comments please.