When Dreams Slip Away, How to Get Back in the Saddle Again

I’m writing with the hope that by the time I am done, I will have sorted some things out. Part of me wants to hide all of this angst, and yet I know that my gift is sharing it with you as I experience it, so here it is.

I have been hiding.  There’s simply too much to say and I don’t have time write my book yet.  I have systems to rebuild, teams to hire, financial stuff to work out, websites to recreate …

And I let all of that stop me from living my true purpose, my gift, my reason for being here.

Which is what again?

Oh right, to shine the light.  To wake up and wake you up with me.  To be a model for truth, transparency and living through the fear.  To make the evolutionary leap in consciousness from Stage 6 to Stage 7 and be a catalyst for others to do the same.

But, I can’t do or be any of that if I’m hiding behind stuff to do, systems to build and all the rest of it.

So here I am.

I read a post tonight by Ben Nemtin of the Buried Life (if you haven’t heard of him yet, you will, soon – probably now when you click this link) and while it is almost definitely inspirational for most people, I felt sad.

I felt sad because it reinforced what I’ve known for some time; I’ve let my really big dreams slip away.

At 30, revolutionizing an industry (the legal industry), writing a bestseller, getting a TV show, building a million dollar business … and doing it all while raising my kids seemed not only possible, but impossible not to try.

Today, 8 years later, I’m tired.  And I can see now that I went about it all wrong.

Wrong in the sense that it was unsustainable.  I willed my way through it all when I could have allowed a whole lot more.  I tried to do way too much myself instead of relying on the right people for support.

When I did rely on others, I relied on whoever was close by (usually people who really wanted to please me, but simply did not have the training, skills, or clarity of outcome from me to actually do that) and then I got pissed and full of distrust when they couldn’t and didn’t deliver only to watch them go on and do exactly what I believed they could do all along, only after they were no longer working with me.   This feels like a never-ending story of my life.

I put way too much money into the wrong things (coaches) and not nearly enough into the right things (hiring the right people to implement on my vision).

And now, what?

I almost let my dreams go.  I could feel myself slipping into resignation, a feeling of being beat down by the world and an energy of fuck it, I don’t want to be that image anymore anyway.  I just want to be me, a mom, a friend, a girlfriend.  I don’t really need all that.

But, it’s a lie.  That’s fear talking. Fear that I can’t do it. Fear that I’ll never be able to find the right people to harness my vision and execute on it strategically. Fear that I won’t be good enough to inspire people into action while they work for me instead of to “show me” what they can do after we separate.  Fear, fear, fear.

I do want to revolutionize an industry (or two), I do want to write another (or three) bestselling books that change the way we collectively think, feel and respond to heavily conditioned beliefs about credit/debt, conflict and earning money (three different books, all of which have titles and outlines already written), and I would like to be on television again.

Okay, there, I said it.  I wrote it down even.  And that’s the first step.

Now what?

Well, according to Ben, you talk about it, be persistent, be ballsy and help others.  Check, check, check, and check.  I’m talking about it here, nothing if not persistent and ballsy and my life is devoted to helping others. So, now it’s just a matter of time, right?

Well yes, and not quite.

My dreams got sidelined for a reason.  That reason is a key piece of my (and your) evolution.  My soul is not here to revolutionize an industry, write books or be on TV — it’s here to heal/wake up/evolve.  And my dreams will not/cannot be realized until that happens.

In fact, it’s my belief that we are each given our unique dreams so that we will be taken on the path that leads to our deepest healing.  And the more we let go of the resistance to what we really want, dig deep to discover what that is and go for it in a big way, the more opportunity we will have to heal that which stands in our way.

For me that requires a few major things:

1. Stay open, transparent and real.

The Whole Truth Show was my weekly outlet for letting you fully in to see my internal growth process.  We decided to reallocate those 2-3 hours per week to focus on the rebrand, rebuild and rebirth of the businesses and that feels like the right decision.

While the backstage pass gives you a peek into the external process and All-Access Membership takes you all the way inside, it’s not really focused on what’s going on for me internally through it all.

I need to share that more here.

By the way, this kind of access to the inside/behind the scenes is a trend you’ll see a lot more of because I believe it’s part of our evolution and it’s necessary for growth.

The people still hiding behind their shiny facades will find that they become much less credible over the next few years.  Vishen Lakhiani, founder of MindValley and now MindValley Insights, is opening the kimono already so that his vision can touch 500 million lives. Yes!

And I just stumbled across Nancy Marmolejo’s similar decision to publicly chronicle her decision to rebrand and the process around it, so there’s definitely something here.

2. Hire up and then let go.

It’s so difficult for me to talk about where I have fallen down in this area, but I know it’s common so I will try not to hold back.  Another nugget from Vishen, which you can read in full on the MindValley Insights Facebook page. He was talking to Richard Branson and asked him the one secret to his success. Richard replied:

“It’s all about finding and hiring people smarter than you. Getting them to join your business. And giving them good work. Then getting out of their way. And trusting them. You have to get out of the way so YOU can focus on the bigger vision. That’s important. And here’s the main thing….you must make them see their work as a MISSION.”

I did this once.  Kind of.  I’m not sure I ever got the trusting part down completely.  And then I lost sight of the mission myself. I got caught up in the money and that was the end of that.

I vow to do it differently and I have been empowering Martha, Craig and Kyra (my closest business partners) to call me out when they see me falling back into my old patterns (because I will).

3. Stop manifesting and start generating.

I always considered myself a master manifestor.  And, I have been without a doubt.  But, it turns out that all that pushing through, making things happen and intensity of manifestation may not actually be my natural design.  I got a call out of the blue recently from a Facebook friend who told me he had the answers to my perpetual overwhelm and I should Skype him.  I did and he pointed out to me that my Human Design is actually that of a generator, not a manifestor.

In the past, my logical left brain would have dismissed this guy’s comments immediately.  My ego is sure I am a master manifestor and that’s that.  But, I know it’s not.

Craig has been guiding me for some time to shift how I’m doing things.  My higher self has been telling me quite clearly that if I don’t, I will get sick.  And then this man (Christopher Power) calls me out of the blue and basically tells me the same thing.

And when I heard it coming from this new voice, I understood it a whole lot more.  I have to stop making things happen and instead relax and wait to respond to what is already happening.

This is extremely challenging for me because I have been deeply conditioned to believe that if I do not take care of myself nobody else will.  And that’s the healing my soul is crying out for — to learn to trust, to discover the truth that it’s not really all up to me, to let go and as my friend Annie (Eben Pagan’s wife) taught me at Burning Man, repose.

So that’s how I am getting back in the saddle again.  I’m dreaming the dream, writing it down, telling you all about it, hiring the right people to support it and then letting go of the attachment to how or what happens.

Repose, repose, repose.

Got a story of a dream let go and resurrected?  If so, I’d love to hear it. After all, it is resurrection weekend, eh? Share your story in the comments please.





  1. Michelle Pallemaerts LeathSaturday, April 7, 2012 at 3:29 pm 

    Great post, Ali. I am always inspired by your transparency. Thanks for pointing out that often when tell yourself you don’t really need all the things you want, it’s driven by fear that you might not be able to achieve it. In other words we dumb down our desires and con ourselves into thinking we can make do without. That created a big a-ha for me this morning! Can’t wait to see what unfolds for you, and please keep sharing!

  2. Michelle Pallemaerts LeathSaturday, April 7, 2012 at 3:29 pm 

    Great post, Ali. I am always inspired by your transparency. Thanks for pointing out that often when tell yourself you don’t really need all the things you want, it’s driven by fear that you might not be able to achieve it. In other words we dumb down our desires and con ourselves into thinking we can make do without. That created a big a-ha for me this morning! Can’t wait to see what unfolds for you, and please keep sharing!

  3. Nancy MarmolejoSunday, April 8, 2012 at 3:06 am 

    Hi Alexis!
    It’s great to see that you and I are in a similar place of transition and publicly talking about it! I spoke with someone last Thursday at noon about my transitions, and was encouraged to take the process public. Eeek! Before I could talk myself out of it, I put up that Tumblr blog by 3pm that same day. Thanks for finding it and calling it out because YOU are giving me fuel to keep moving forward. You’re a great role model in this process.
    hugs to you!

  4. Leesa BarnesMonday, April 9, 2012 at 5:40 pm 

    I get to watch Nancy’s transition and yours as well, Alexis. You both know that I, too, am transitioning. The difference is that God called me to this place back in 2009 and I hid from that purpose due to fear. It took almost 3-years, but I’m now taking a bold step forward. The transition is not complete, but it is indeed freeing once you start walking towards that path. I’m happy for both you, Alexis and Nancy. 

  5. goal settingMonday, April 9, 2012 at 6:17 pm 

    I’m watching people I love right now who have created a ‘mask’ so that it appears they look stylish, happy, rich, successful, etc. They have all of the appearances, the high powered career, the job title, the salary, the possessions, cars, homes, etc and inside they are miserable. They are afraid to love, unfulfilled in their daily lives because they are not creating, and worse, they are jealous, judging the creators of the world who refuse to abide by the laws of the ego. They are betraying themselves every single day. They cannot be present with others. Their dominant thoughts are fear and worry. They live in their head. They are disconnected from their spiritual essence. They will live this way until one day, something wakes them up. As one who has had the blessing of building a successful multi-million dollar business, only to discover that my soul has another purpose, I re-examined, deconstructed and re-designed every area of my life. I changed directions. The money comes even faster now. And even better, my rise is effortless because I am living congruently in all ways. My soul is my guide now. My daily joy and fulfillment are my gauges. The book I wanted to write  5 years ago is flowing freely. I don’t even have to think. I am creating, I am sharing, leading others how to do the same and manifesting abundance in all areas with bliss and freedom. Wishing you much abundance and joy on your journey. Keep on keeping on…

    Jill Koenig

  6. Alexis NeelyMonday, April 9, 2012 at 6:52 pm 

     Hi Michelle. Thank you! I’ve been meaning to reach out to you after I saw the write up about you in Elizabeth’s newsletter!  I was soooooo happy to see your progress. I take a little pride that the Money Map started you off on this journey and I’d love to hear more about where you are now and where you see yourself going.

  7. Alexis NeelyMonday, April 9, 2012 at 7:04 pm 

     Aw, Nancy, thank you for saying that I am giving you the fuel to keep moving forward.  That means a lot to me.  Please keep posting your process. It helps so many people who really need to see behind the scenes and not just be told what to do.

  8. MaryPatTuesday, April 10, 2012 at 5:12 am 

    Bravo to you Ali! I have told you this before and I will again–I so admire your public transformation, realization and awakening. You are speaking for so many….myself included.

  9. Alexis NeelyTuesday, April 10, 2012 at 2:20 pm 

     I LOVE seeing your big step forward Leesa.  I am grateful for your naked faith series and what I know will come of it.  Thank you for saying yes to God’s vision for your life.  I know it must be scary and exhilarating all at the same time.

  10. Alexis NeelyTuesday, April 10, 2012 at 2:22 pm 

     Jill, thank you for sharing this.  I am in the middle of the journey it seems you have come out the other side of and I’m grateful to hear your experience because it gives me hope that it will be the same for me when I’ve made it through. I’m beginning to be able to see the light at the tunnel. It’s challenging because my mind is SO conditioned and even though I can see the conditioning, it is taking time and a lot of self-discipline in areas I have not been disciplined in the past to break through and break free.  Have you written about your journey somewhere I can read it now?

  11. Dr. Brad SempTuesday, April 10, 2012 at 2:49 pm 

    Hey Lex – congratulations on a very touching and transparent blog article.  You have and continue to “touch” lives in ways that awaken, revive and inspire those around you.  Each of us has been Blessed with a unique set of strengths and weaknesses.  It takes time for us as individuals to realize them and then best surround ourselves with those who complement our strengths and fill our weaknesses.

    Blessings to you in an awesome and powerful rebrand!

  12. Nanette SaylorTuesday, April 10, 2012 at 7:35 pm 

    Thank you Alexis, for digging deep and for encouraging us all to do the same. I began my journey into entrepreneurship very transparently, and then slowly began hiding again as my public persona grew… of course, it’s only in hindsight I can see that now. Your willingness to drop the veil and “peel the onion” is refreshing and so supportive. I for one, believe you are absolutely on the right path and I am honored to follow your lead.

  13. LevWednesday, April 11, 2012 at 9:04 pm 

    Alexis, thank you for all of these different threads of connection.  As I
    just turned 30 in February and launched Evolve 2012 Initiative in
    March, your words resonate deeply with me.  I’ve seen the writing on the
    wall for many years – I NEED TO BUILD THE VISION SUSTAINABLY – and now
    its coming to that point where incredibly skillful navigation is called
    for…I think you honed in on the key for me now – to bring the right
    people onto my team.  Feels like a big one.

    Thanks again,


  14. Stephanie CoradinThursday, April 12, 2012 at 1:37 pm 

    Hi Alexis – I love how much you let us “behind the scenes” and it’s great to know that the FEAR is every where and we just need to manage it and not let it get in the way. Thanks for the inspiration I need it!

  15. Julio Cesar ValenzuelaWednesday, April 18, 2012 at 1:03 am 

    Dear Alexis Congratulations on your discovery of Human Design and your Generator. Curious to learn how long it has been since you came across this knowledge. For me it has been 10 years now. I am a 6-2 Manifesting Generator and I find it delightfully refreshing to hear about your journey into Truth as you call it. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to support you on your journey into transformation as you connect to your innate superpowers. Loving Hugs and Smiles

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