It’s been a little more than two years since I wrote here. And while I’m amazed that I’ve been quiet for that long, the truth is that I needed the time to myself.
For integration. And clarification. And resolution.
A lot has happened over this two years that required me to take the work inside and not talk too much about it as it was happening.
In that time, it’s become absolutely clear to me that Ali + Alexis are two parts of a unified whole that is so much greater and more infinite than any single name or individual expression possibly could be.
And, that I’m not giving up either of my names, just to make it less confusing to other people.
I know exactly who I am, what I do and how I do it. And so do the people I am here to serve. Those that don’t get it, don’t get it. Those that do get to benefit.
It feels edgy to me to say that, as if it’s somehow safer for me to pretend I don’t know the impact I make in people’s lives. But, I do. And, love me or hate me, it seems to be significant.
My work (and I’ve been told simply being around me) changes people’s lives. I seem to be a catalyst. A permission giver. A way shower.
But not when I’m judging myself and holding myself back because I’m scared of the people who don’t get me. Or because I’m scared that people will think I’m conceited or egotistical, if I say what’s true.
From the place of my inner critic, holding myself back, I am not serving anyone.
When I hide parts of who I am, my leadership is weak, and I can easily fall into inadvertent narcissism, which is ultimately based in a fragile ego. (I’ve learned a lot about narcissism the past two years, and I can see the source of mine oh so clearly. I’ll share more about that in future posts as I believe many of us who mean well have it, but can’t see it.)
And now that I have accepted all parts of myself, it’s a-okay with me that I’m not for everyone and that not everyone understands why I have two names. It’s a great filter. I choose to be all of myself.
When I’m not, I suffer. I fear there isn’t enough. I try to fit myself into a box that simply cannot contain me.
As you know if you’ve been here a while, or if you read back, it’s taken me a while to get here.
As recently as two years ago, as you can read in my last post, I still thought I needed to release one of my parts to resolve the inner conflict inside of me. I first began to ask the question publicly, it looks like, back in 2013. It’s fun to read back now and see how externally referenced I was.
I depended on other people’s reflections to know the truth about myself. Fortunately, that seems to have been a phase I needed to move through to find my own truth.
And today, Ali and Alexis truly do love each other.
Sometimes, there is still conflict, as there is between any two people (and as there is inside of most people who are in touch with their parts) but I’m able to resolve the conflict fairly quickly. In fact, through resolving my own internal conflict, I’ve developed some pretty cool conflict resolution strategies that I’m now sharing with private clients and I’m greatly pleased with the results.
I understand now as well that I am not available for the kinds of relationships I’ve had in the past. Co-dependency is no longer interesting to me. Now that I’m fully in touch with myself, I see that I need a lot of space for my own integration. I never knew that before. And I can see that I was in relationships with other people as a substitute for a true relationship with myself. I think it’s fairly common, but it can result in a lot of relationship conflict of the push/pull variety, an energy that I was stuck in internally and externally for a long time.
So, a lot has shifted and my hope is to share more regularly here about the learnings of the last couple of years because I do have a sense that they are universally applicable, not just to me, but to all of us who have multiple parts, whether we’ve fully acknowledged them or not.
And I also believe that it’s when we have each integrated all of our own conflicting parts, we can have world peace. So I’m going to do my little part towards that here by sharing my own process in support of yours.