Well, it’s day two and I’m still here, still not smoking pot and facing my challenges head on, fully present. And there have been plenty of challenges today.
Challenge #1: How did I Get So Out of Shape, Physically?
I used to have a Crossfit trainer come to my house and work me out 3 times a week. As I became unwilling to work as much as I was and my financial situation changed, I stopped paying for the trainer. That meant I stopped working out too.
That’s just something I came to terms with about myself — I need the support of a person, coach, mentor, community or partner to hold me accountable to things I don’t really want to do on my own. It’s part of the reason I am documenting my process with giving up my addiction to things that are green (marijuana and money); I know if I’m writing to you about it, it will be more likely to be successful.
So, I got really out of shape. You probably could not tell from the outside, but believe me I could feel it on the inside. And I definitely felt it today during my Crossfit workout.
I’ve joined a local gym and will be working out there three times a week after I drop the kids at school. I feel like such a mom now. It feels good.
And, as I was working out, it occurred to me that it also feels good to go somewhere to work out with a community of people instead of doing it in my house, in a more isolated way. Who knew?
Challenge #2: How Did I Get So Out of Shape, Financially?
I have made a LOT of very bad financial decisions over the past few years. Primarily, this stemmed from complete lack of presence/consciousness around money. It’s why I created my Money Map program (it started as something I created for myself) when I realized that I was building million dollar businesses just so I didn’t have to pay attention to the money parts of my business.
I’ve always been a very trusting kind of gal and I’ve invested huge amounts of money in waste just because I could.
Now that I have a lot less money coming in because I am focusing more on my own personal growth, spiritual practice and my children, I also have to be a whole lot more conscious about where my money is going. And it’s painful to see how wasteful I have been.
It’s also a huge eye-opener to see how deluded I have been about money — most of my life decisions have been driven by fear of running out of money and now that I am actually close to that happening for real, I can see how silly I was to think that was even a concern before.
This might sound totally insane, but I am diving into my fear of running out of money instead of continuing to be ruled by it.
That means I am not launching any new programs and products or taking on new clients right now and I’m only focusing on serving the lawyers and couple of private clients already working with us. As a result, I have had to juggle some of the payments on my debt.
I have BIG debt from the closure of my law firm after I sold it to the wrong person with the wrong agreement in place, the $100,000 coaching program I invested in, the lawsuit I settled with a former employee of my law firm, the taxes I didn’t prepare for after the first year I brought in a million bucks in revenue, the tens (hundreds?) of thousands I invested in people, programs and products that simply did not pay off, and on and on and on.
Today, I found out that American Express closed my merchant account because they do not like how I am juggling my debt. Yikes! How do they expect to get paid if they won’t let me collect on our recurring revenue that runs through that merchant account?
I am reminding myself to breathe, trust, not beat myself up, and remember that through every challenge comes my greatest opportunities to be more of who I really am.
Amazingly, I am not really freaking out that much. I’m staying really present with all of it, feeling it, not numbing out with pot or by rushing to make more money, but instead surrendering to what is, focusing on my self care and loving myself through it.
Challenge #3: The Courage to Stay Transparent & Authentic, Even When It’s Super Scary
Transparency and authenticity are buzz words that are oft thrown around, but rarely actually practiced. I am really doing it. Can you tell?
I have been receiving feedback that suggests maybe I’m doing it too much; maybe I should keep it all under wraps; maybe this truth-telling so publicly is not okay.
I cannot do it any other way. I wish I had been more transparent two years ago when this all started. I wish I had told you of my awakening as it was happening. I wish I had shared with you moment by moment what was happening as I let go of the team I had built around my million dollar business and why I did it. I wish I had shared more details about my break up with Russell, the kindling of my relationship with Craig, the move out of my house, the happenings here in the creation of this little community we are building.
But, I didn’t know how. I was afraid if I was this transparent, it would hurt me financially. I finally have the courage to say fuck it I’m sharing it all, come what may.
My zone of excellence may be to create great products and systems for you to implement in your business and make lots of money with, but my zone of genius is to share with you, transparently and authentically for real, what’s going on behind the scenes of my awakening and integration of that awakening. (Read the Big Leap by Gay Hendricks to understand more about how staying safe in our zones of excellence keeps us out of our zones of genius.)
So, I’m going to keep being transparent and authentic. You can unsubscribe and stop investing in my stuff if you don’t like it. Oh, that feels good to say.
And now onto the practice.
Day Two Practice:
Today’s practice is to look around like I did in the first practice at everything I see around me for one minute and apply the awareness that I have given everything I see all the meaning that is has for me.
Once again, I find myself resistant to actually doing the practice rather than just saying, “oh, I already know that.” But, I exercise mind control and do it anyway.
My mind judges this practice as too simple; it cannot possibly be making a difference. And yet my heart can feel the truth that it is.
So, I’ll be back tomorrow for lesson 3. (If you are doing the Course or want to, you can follow along with the online multi-media lessons here.)
Curious about any of this? We’ll talk about all of it on the show tomorrow. Tune in and if you do show up, chat me to let me know you are there so I can talk with you while we are live.
Will you join me in this practice? If you are doing the Course, how’s it going for you? Are you staying committed? If not, can you pick it back up? I’d love to hear of your experience and how/whether it has helped you. Don’t forget to subscribe to the blog up there in the corner under the video if you want to stay up to date on my daily posts about all this weirdness.