From the time I was a child, I knew I’d have two kids by the time I was 30. I just knew. And I did. Today, they are 7 and 10.
I always thought there would be another two later on. I think about that sometimes. Because suddenly, later on is either within the next 5 years or so or it’s not going to happen. And based on my current life, it’s not. But, I remain open to the possibility.
I feel the quiet yearning. It’s very subtle. And I’m very uncertain about it.
It’s odd, this pull for two more when I have felt so resistant to the two I have and I’m so appreciative of the freedom of their older years.
My internal resistance to motherhood has been intense. Much less now than in the beginning, but still very much there on occasion.
Like now, for example.
I want to write. And write and write and write. Get lost in it, but it’s bed time for the kids and that means I have to pull myself away from the computer. I do it because I love them and want them to feel my presence. But, the resistance is there.
If I had two more kids, it would have to be from a place of freedom. With a much greater awareness of exactly what that means.
Raising children (at least if you are parenting at all within the bounds of societal norms and/or worried about the outcome) can be anything but free.
The guilt, the uncertainty, the fear of permanently ruining their lives.
If I did it again, it would be without that.
Kaia was born when I was 25. Before I understood anything about God, the Universe or myself. I raised myself right along with both of them.
If I had two more, they’d be raised by a much different version of me.
More relaxed. More trusting. Less Resistant. More mature, grounded and sure. More present. With that, I’m going to get present with the two I have now. It’s bed time.
I’d love to hear from you about your experience if you’ve had kids early in life and then later in life. How different was the experience? How different were the kids. Tell me all about it!
Well, I'm writing a quick post because I am off to put my kids to bed as well.
But, love your perspective and growth. Great expression.
You are like that butterfly on your shoulder 😉
Happy Mothers Day!
OMG Alexis, this blog post was so unbelievably REAL for me. I am a single mom – now – after getting divorced about 4 years ago. I have two gorgeous, brilliant children – 2 girls, 13 and 9, and at the same time, I've resisted them in a quiet, torturous way inside my own head since my first daughter was born. When I graduated from college and got my MBA, the rebel that I am said – “yup, I can get married, have kids and have an amazing career all at the same time.” I was the only one of my friends doing that. Anyway, that led to a divorce, a career that I was GREAT at, but HATED. Now, I'm starting my own sales and image consulting and seminar business…and am so scared. But I want to do it anyway, especially since I've made excuses that my life was good enough. Good enough to send my kids to private school, good enough to live in paradise, but still I didn't feel content. I always thought that it would get easier as they got older, but the weird thing is, here I am, 3 years into an amazing relationship with a man, and I'm considering having 2 more just to round out my tribe! LOL. So thank you for being so open and authentic, Alexis. You are the ME I always wanted to say out loud on the world wide web. Aloha from Hawaii