Last week, I wrote this post about how there were no more excuses not to write. I didn’t publish it right away because something said to wait. And, now, this week everything is different.
The excuses have come rushing back in. Full force.
My daughter needs me. We leave for 3 weeks of travel in just a week. And just about every single person on one of my business teams is either out sick or has a child in the hospital. So, I’m back in.
The best part about it though is that while my calendar is far more crowded than I’d like it to be, I am enjoying the work I’ve been called in to do. I’m grateful for the opportunity to see where the holes exist in the legacy planning I’ve done for my work, and to have a chance to fill those holes before something happens to me (and in advance of my vacation coming up!)
It turns out those no more excuses were too good to be true, for now.
And I wonder, can I find the time to write anyway? Can I create my own reality here and write in spite of the excuses? Write about the excuses? Just write anyway?
So, I am. Today, I am posting the post I wrote last week that is no longer true because I wrote it, it was finished and even though life has changed dramatically since then, it was what was real ten days ago.
Well, there are officially no more excuses not to write.
My kids are 10 and 14, and while they need me possibly more than ever, the way in which they need me is far different. In fact, it may be that the very best way I can be here for them is to sit quietly here at my desk (which happens to be right in the middle of our living room because I hate to be hidden away in an office when I work) and write while they live their lives around me.
Present, yet not intruding or hovering.
The two businesses that have consumed my life for the past 7 years now have their own legs. And they will either live or die without my constant oversight, management and meddling.
As we were reviewing the 2013 financials at the end of this year, I was shocked to discover that the businesses have returned to exactly where they were at the end of 2009.
Exactly four years ago I took a massive step off the ledge and began the journey of letting it all go because I couldn’t see past where I was to where I wanted to be. So rather than forcing it, I leapt. Off a cliff.
From $2,000,000 a year, two big teams, TV appearances, personal assistant, housekeepers, at least 10 credit cards, including a platinum American Express and the whole nine to a 2-bedroom farmhouse with no team, $5,000/mo income, not a penny in savings, and no more credit cards.
I was sure I did it so I could write. I would write. I was sure. I even knew where I would sit. In the loft. Looking across the fields to the mountain range.
And then, I didn’t write.
It was way too edgy to write about it as I was going through it, even though I promised myself I would. I did video some of it, which you can see on the one season of the Whole Truth Show, recorded during that time.
But I didn’t write. I didn’t write a book. I didn’t write a book proposal. Heck, I barely even wrote blog posts. I thought a lot about what I wanted to write and then I didn’t write it because it was just too edgy, not thought through enough (or so I thought) and so I found many, many reasons not to write.
Some of them were legitimate …
Like I had to figure out how to get my income stabilized after the bankruptcy. That took a massive investment of energy that I think has finally paid off.
Like I had to move three times, from the farm into a small condo in Boulder, to the home we are living in now. I had to re-stabilize my life.
I had to be more present for my kids.
I had to get involved in a series of very complex relationships that took up all my time and energy and I couldn’t just abandon them.
And now, the excuses have come to an end.
It’s time for me to write. The businesses have leadership that is far better than me. The home life is stable. The complex relationships have tapered off, for now at least.
There’s nothing left to do now, but write.
I have been calling chaos into my life, into my businesses, into my relationships to avoid this writing. This baring of my soul. And yet I know it is the reason I’m here.
The message I keep getting is that my big WHY is to use entertainment of all sorts to uplevel the consciousness of humanity.
The entertainment that is my life. Living with my ex-husband for all these years, and now my best friend – a gypsy mama who is unschooling her kids and mine. Open relationships.
The entertainment that is the people I know. A wild poetess. A poly pod of entrepreneurs and thought leaders. Alpha hippies. Tantric healers. Music makers. Digital artists. Community leaders.
The entertainment that is the experiences I’ve had. Kundalini awakening. Tantric breathing. Full body orgasms. Parenting my children in a unique way. Forgiving my ex.
The entertainment that is the songs of my sisters.
TV, books, music videos.
It scares me to death.
And yet I know it’s why I’m here.
So, there’s no more excuses. I must write. Tonight, I did. I chose not to go out and instead I wrote this post. I wrote an article on how you can create agreements super easily and inexpensively. I wrote a Facebook post on rebellion as the path to liberation.
Now it’s time to write the thing I’ve been avoiding. The stories for my next book. The writing that feels hard. Because, really, there’s no more excuses.